Dear Jane,
I have one son from my first marriage, but his dad has been out of the picture his whole life.
When I married my now husband, I was so excited to give my son – who was 10 at the time – a better father figure. And until now, he has been the perfect surrogate dad to my boy.
However, last week my son – who just turned 16 – came out to us as gay. I had always suspected he might be, but didn’t want to speculate out loud, and so never discussed it with his stepdad.
We are a very liberal family. My husband and I have always voted Democrat and have no prejudice. Or so I thought!
You see, when my son bravely sat us both down to share his news, my husband’s reaction was unexpected.
He got up and walked out the room and didn’t speak to my son for several hours. When he finally came back to be with us, he simply made a crude joke about not having to worry any longer that my son might get a girl pregnant.
Later, in private, I tried to press my husband over his bizarre reaction – but it only made things worse. He started spouting all this rubbish about how he has always wanted grandchildren and feels robbed of that, and worries that my son is just ‘confused’.
My son has come out as gay. His stepdad’s bizarre reaction has sent my mind spinning
I told him that adoption and surrogacy is legal – and that 16 would be pretty late to be confused. But he shrugged it off.
Thank God he didn’t share those thoughts with my son. But, frankly, I still feel terribly let down by the man I brought into my son’s life as a co-parent.
Now I have so many questions swirling in my head about whether I have chosen the right life partner.
From,
Out & Outrageous
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Out & Outrageous,
I am so sorry that your husband has reacted in a way that is so upsetting for you, and potentially even more upsetting for your son.
This puts you in an enormously difficult position. But sadly, the issue of a step-parent disagreeing with a biological parents is not uncommon.
Years ago, my daughter suffered a car incident. She was doing a long-distance drive, and ended up having something disastrous happen, the engine blowing up, or some such thing.
She was on her own, it was nighttime, but my husband at the time, her stepfather, was absolutely furious. He refused to help pay to fix the car, blaming her for driving recklessly – all of which was deeply upsetting for me.
I remember feeling completely torn between two people I loved – my daughter and my husband. And there didn’t seem to be a way to win.
So I acquiesced to my husband – or so he thought – and then phoned my daughter privately, telling I would pay to have the car fixed. Which I did. My husband never knew.
I don’t know if that was the right thing, but I distinctly remember that feeling of being caught between a rock and a hard place – very similar, I imagine, to how you feel now.
Your son is a minor and needs the full unequivocal support of his mother.
Even if your husband doesn’t explicitly tell your son how he really feels, it is likely that your son is perceptive enough to quickly pick it up.
So your job is to ensure your son feels safe, and unconditionally loved by you, his mother.
If he asks about his stepfather and how he feels, it’s entirely reasonable to be honest and explain that he’s having a harder time with it, but that how he feels bears no impact on your love and support of your son.
As for your husband, it may be that he needs time to adjust.
I recently read a deeply moving article by a religious minister who struggled enormously when his son came out as gay.
Despite his initial misgivings, and his devotion to a religion that did not accept homosexuality, he grew to love and accept his son, and recognize the error of his ways.
Give your husband time before you make any big decisions.
