Dear Jane,
My best friend and I have known each other since we were eight – and now we’re not even speaking. Help!
We grew up next door to each other, went to the same schools and our families have always been close.
As kids, we spent a lot of time with her grandmother, Mae, who lived nearby and loved to take care of us.
We’d bake cookies and do arts and crafts at her house after school – or visit her on weekends and in the holidays.
So when she passed away last year, we were both inconsolable.
Dear Jane, I stole my best friend’s baby name before she had the chance to use it and now she has cut me off
Now, my friend and I are both 30 and married. She has a two-year-old son, and I am about to give birth to a daughter.
I became pregnant shortly after Mae died, and it was obvious to me that I should name my daughter in her honor.
I told my best friend the plan when I was seven months pregnant, thinking that she would be touched by the gesture.
Instead, she was furious.
She shouted at me that she had planned to use the name Mae if she ever had a daughter and accused me of ‘stealing’ her grandmother’s name.
I was shocked and hurt but I didn’t back down.
I loved her grandmother as if she were my own. I’m also the one about to give birth to a girl; my best friend doesn’t even know if she’ll ever have one.
I explained all of this to her, but she only became angrier – eventually storming out my house.
We haven’t spoken since.
I’ve tried to call her multiple times and I’ve sent so many messages, but she won’t reply.
My due date is fast approaching and I have no idea what to do. She’s like a sister to me and I wanted her to be at the birth.
I’ve racked my brains since our argument and I still don’t think she has ever mentioned wanting to name a daughter Mae.
I love the name and I don’t want to give it up, but I also don’t want to lose my friend.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
So do I tell her I won’t use the name, or do I stand my ground and hope she comes around?
From,
Sad Friend
Dear Sad Friend,
First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy and I am so sorry that it is being marred by a tricky situation.
Baby names are particularly sensitive subjects, especially when they involve the memory of a beloved family member or friend.
I can feel how much you loved Mae and thought of her — not as your friend’s grandmother — but as your own.
Of course, it makes perfect sense that you should pay tribute to a woman you loved by naming your daughter after her.
But that’s not the only consideration here.
As attached as you are to this baby name, at the end of the day – it is only a name.
Your friendship, where the two of you are like sisters, is a rare and wonderful gift.
To throw it away over a name would be an enormous tragedy that would leave a huge hole in your life.
What’s more, the fact that your friend hasn’t had a daughter is beside the point.
She has told you that if she does have a girl she wants to name her after her beloved grandmother and she is not comfortable with you doing the same.
That should be enough.
It is also irrelevant that she never told you about her intentions.
Remember – you never told her about your intentions either.
Out of respect for your friend and, indeed, the best way to honor Mae’s memory is to prioritize your friendship.
Allow your friend to name her future daughter, albeit unborn, after her grandmother.
Perhaps there is a compromise to be made. Ask your friend if she would be comfortable with you using Mae as a middle name rather than a first.
Whatever her answer, respecting her wishes will lead to a deeper, more secure and more trusting friendship with a woman who is already family.
Wouldn’t Mae be proud?
Dear Jane,
I’m a happily single, successful woman in my 30s with a great bunch of fun-loving friends.
We love to celebrate together – going out for nice dinners or taking fancy trips for big birthdays.
The only problem is, most of my friends are in relationships – and we always split the bills evenly.
It’s becoming an issue.
I drink significantly less than the others (especially the men) or sometimes not at all.
I also typically order less food and stay away from dessert for health reasons.
At times, the difference in price between our meals is significant.
As a single person, with one income to pay for my rent and other expenses, I need to be careful even though I earn a good salary.
I don’t think it’s fair that I foot the bill for someone else’s big appetite or heavy-drinking boyfriend.
But I’ve not raised the issue because I don’t want to be a buzzkill.
Now, a friend is turning 40 and she wants us to plan a lavish trip abroad.
Of course, everyone’s on board – money is no object to them. But after hotels, planes, taxis, meals, excursions and other costs, this could come to over $2,000.
How do I tactfully inform my friends that evenly splitting bills disproportionately impacts me? I don’t want to stop hanging out with them – but I also need them to understand where I’m coming from.
From,
Money between friends
Dear Money Between Friends,
This is a common problem and one I have received letters about before.
Most of us have been in a similar situation – perhaps not as regularly as you – when we’ve been out for dinner and a huge check arrives.
I’ve felt my stomach drop when I realize that the bill has been split evenly, even though, for example, I haven’t tasted a drop of the expensive wine.
It is entirely reasonable to be uncomfortable being forced to pay for someone else’s consumption.
However, there is no easy way around this.
It starts with picking and choosing what events you attend.
Avoid the dinners, parties and trips where you know everyone will spend the same amount.
Next, tell your friends about your discomfort.
But understand that it is generally not socially acceptable to parse out the check, especially in a large group. Expect them to shy away.
This may lead to your friends including you less at certain gatherings, which would certainly solve the problem of the large bills.
It is, obviously, far from an ideal solution. Though considering the alternative (insolvency), it could be worse.
Again, compromise is in order.
Raise the option of dinners at people’s homes rather than lavish nights out.
Let them know that the extravagant trip is just too much for you, and although you would love to be there, you’ll join them at the local beach or park or social club.
Being honest about your financial circumstances will be liberating for you and may even change the dynamic of your friendships in a positive way.
True friends will understand and may find ways to accommodate you.
Either way, opting out of activities that you can’t afford will prevent resentment from building up.
And bitterness is the foulest taste of all.
