Dear Jane,
I’m beginning to notice a pattern with the guys I date and I’m starting to wonder if I attract disgusting men.
You see, my current boyfriend and I were on the couch watching TV the other night when he whipped out his bare feet and started picking his toenails. If that wasn’t bad enough, he then flicked his pickings onto the carpet and did not clean them up. Luckily, we were at his place and not mine. I haven’t always been so ‘lucky’.
My previous boyfriend would pick his nose in my bed, and even though I shouted at him every time, he kept ‘forgetting’ and continued to do it.
Dear Jane: I have seen all of the boys I’ve been in relationships with pick at themselves at least once. How can I get my current boyfriend to stop picking his toenails?
I have definitely seen all of the boys I’ve been in relationships with pick at themselves at least once.
I’m too embarrassed to bring this up with my girlfriends because I fear they won’t relate and then they’ll think my boyfriends are gross and associate the guys’s bad hygiene with me.
Is this normal boy behavior? How can I get him to stop?
From,
Picked Off
Dear Picked Off,
By anyone’s standards, I would say this is pretty poor behavior.
I’m not going to say that all men pick at themselves, but I do believe that most men will behave as badly as their partner will allow them to.
Certainly, when it comes to picking one’s nose in bed, ‘forgetfulness’ is simply not an acceptable excuse. But, if your worst reaction to his ‘forgetting’ is shouting at him, you’re going to have to come up with something different.
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It’s a bit like shouting at children. We may think this is the way to get people to do what we want, but in the long run, all they end up hearing is noise and it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference.
Boundaries are key here. Tell your boyfriend that the next time he whips his socks off and starts littering your home with toenails (I feel slightly sick at the very thought of this), he will have to leave. When he does this again, (as he inevitably will) stick to your guns and make him get out.
Perhaps, you can turn the tables on him (though, this is rather devious). Start leaving your hair in the bathroom sink or the shower drain. When he complains, explain to him that you normally practice proper hygiene, but if he won’t then why should you.
You have to enforce something that makes him understand that his behavior (not listening to you or respecting your wishes) will result in something unpleasant, like being thrown out of your home in the middle of the night or an untidy bathroom.
Call it the Pavlovian dog-training method. Ivan Pavlov rewarded dogs with food after ringing a bell. Over time, the dogs would start salivating at the sound of the bell. In a similar way, train your boyfriend to recoil at the thought of picking at himself.
Conversely, should he be wise enough to keep his feet covered (which I think may be best), I’m sure you can think of an appropriate way to reward him that will cause such delight that he will behave in the future.
