DEAR JANE: I found my mother’s OnlyFans account! Do I confront her – or give her the money she clearly needs?

Dear Jane,

I have discovered something utterly disturbing and I’m not sure what to do.

When my friend sent me a link to an OnlyFans profile with the message ‘is this your mom?’ I thought he was joking.

Expecting a prank, I clicked the link and, to my horror, found pictures of my 60-year-old mother totally nude.

I slammed my laptop shut and screamed, rubbing my eyes. But I couldn’t get the images out of my head.

Half thinking I must have been mistaken, I opened the screen once again – and there she was in suggestive poses with the advert reading: ‘Subscribe for more.’

I stared into space in horror. How could my mother be flaunting herself as a naked model online?

My mind started racing. How many people had seen the profile? Did my siblings know, or aunts and uncles?

How did my mother know about OnlyFans in the first place – and where did she learn to pose like that?

My father walked out on my mother two years ago, after 30 years of marriage. She was devastated and moved from our family home into a small, one-bed apartment.

She started working as a receptionist at the local dental office, but I know my dad took most of the money in the divorce. Times have been tough for her.

Is she doing it for the money?

According to her profile, she charges $4 a month and has just 50 subscribers, so she can’t be making very much.

She’s always been a very quiet, modest woman and I’m just completely shocked that she’s chosen to put herself out there like this, especially when we live in such a small, close-knit rural community.

It’s been a week since I found out and my friend – who’s keeping an eye on the account but promises not to tell anyone – says she has posted two times since.

I’ve no idea what to do. Should I confront her and tell her to stop?

Or do I find some way of giving money to her – without explaining – and hope she’ll give it up of her own accord?

Yours,

Disturbed and angry

Dear Disturbed and angry,

It can be a real shock, as you are discovering, to realize that your parents are not just parents but people in their own right, too – and people who don’t always make decisions you don’t consider sensible.

I fully sympathize with how you are feeling. Discovering anything sexual about a parent can be discombobulating, particularly in your case when it is being played out in the public arena.

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

However, as hard as this might be to hear: your mother’s choices are hers to make. 

And, while you are absolutely entitled to feel they way you do, you don’t have the right to tell her what to do.

For the sake of your relationship, you might want to let her understand that you know what’s going on. 

As you point out, her unusual side hustle might not be about the money.

It could be about empowerment, for example. She might have realized that, at 60, this is a way for her to feel good about her naked body.

None of us know why she’s doing it – and that includes you unless, and until, you’re willing to talk to your mother. 

I would advise showing a little curiosity and leaving judgment at the door if you want to hear the truth.

Remember: starting a conversation should not be about trying to influence your mother’s choices or change her mind.

It would be terrible to let this get in the way of your relationship. 

Try and accept that loving the people around us, especially our family, does not mean loving them only when they behave as we wish.

We love them unconditionally. And, when we are uncomfortable with their behavior, we talk to them about it and tell them how their behavior makes us feel.

Dear Jane,

I’ve always lived by the motto ‘be honest in everything you do’.

But now I’m facing a dilemma that makes me question whether honesty really is the best policy.

You see, I befriended an elderly woman in my apartment complex about a year ago. She is retired and lives alone.

Slowly, she’s opened up about the many hardships she’s weathered in her life.

The poor woman was abused for years by her partner. She even suffered the loss of an unborn child.

My heart aches for her.

I’ve begun to notice signs of cognitive decline. And her life is becoming more difficult physically, too: she has shaky hands and a bad back.

Recently, she’s asked me to join her on trips to the grocery store and I’ve happily obliged.

But I’ve started to notice something strange. As we make our way round the shelves, she gathers heaps of food way beyond her pensioner budget – and clearly beyond what she needs to feed one person.

Inevitably, when we arrive at the register, her card is declined. She seems shocked and flustered and reacts by scrabbling around in her purse. But the few pennies she scrapes together are nowhere near enough to meet the several hundred-dollar bill.

When this happens, onlooking customers – complete strangers – have generously donated cash. Some have offered to pay the entire amount.

Of course, I ‘ve tried to stop them and, more than once, I’ve sucked up the cost myself.

But there’s clearly a problem here – and it’s much worse than old-aged confusion.

Because I’ve also seen my friend cram expensive groceries, including smoked salmon, fine cheeses and avocados into her reusable shopping bags before getting to the register.

And I’ve noticed her going further, too – she’s tried, surreptitiously, to steal from my bags.

At first I didn’t even notice. She’s clearly practiced and acts so quickly.

Now, though, I’m in no doubt. I have lost all trust in my so-called ‘friend’ and I don’t want to be around her any more.

At the same time, I feel guilty neglecting such a lonely woman.

She has a daughter, a wealthy professional who could easily support her mother, which makes the whole stealing thing so much more insulting. But the daughter seems to hardly visit.

Your professional advice would be greatly appreciated.

From,

Unwilling accomplice

Dear Unwilling Accomplice,

Although parts of this letter sound like the beginning of an excellent movie, I can only imagine the quandary you are in.

Setting aside that she is elderly, has been in an abusive relationships and has apparent cognitive decline, I suspect that you would not accept such behavior from a friend your age.

But perhaps there is a way to avoid cutting her off entirely.

Maybe you could sit down with her and be very clear. Say what you have observed happening in the grocery store and that you will no longer be party to it. 

Instead, you could have tea with her once a week, listening to whatever stories she might want to tell.

You are completely within your rights to be direct, telling her that if you witness anything like this again, your friendship will be over.