Dear Jane,
My girlfriend and I have been together since college. We are now in our late 20s.
She is naturally very pretty and has always been low maintenance when it comes to her looks, a side of her I love.
However, she recently got a new job in the city that requires going into the office five days a week – and things have started to change.
Having worked remotely from our apartment for the past few years, my girlfriend was nervous about starting a swanky corporate job, so I suggested she treat herself to a new wardrobe to dress the part.
But she went a step further – with a trip to a big beauty store, where the staff helped her pick out hundreds of dollars-worth of makeup.
Then, on the morning of her first day, she got up extra early and spent 45 minutes painting her face.
When she finished and asked, ‘how do I look?’, my jaw dropped… and not in a good way.
My girlfriend has a bad habit that makes her look UGLY. How do I politely tell her to stop?
Although my girlfriend is a beautiful woman, I didn’t think she looked at all attractive with all those harsh cosmetic colors and textures on her face. The effect was rather ugly.
She’d have been devastated if I’d told her how bad it looked look right before her nerve-racking first day.
So, I said she looked great and vowed to tell the truth later that night.
When she got home, however, my girlfriend was buzzing about how good the day had been and said the new look made her feel powerful and confident in the office.
Clearly, the makeup leaves her feeling great but, as far as I’m concerned, it’s ruining her natural beauty.
Now, I worry that I’m not the only one who will think it’s a big mistake.
How can I save my girlfriend from embarrassment without hurting her feelings?
From,
Makeup Morals
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Makeup Morals,
There is a very fine line between helping your partner look as good as she can, and controlling behavior.
In fact, just because you think she looks better with a more natural look doesn’t mean she thinks she looks better that way.
That said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling her that you prefer her makeup-free beauty, but that you completely understand why she wants to create a persona for work.
Importantly, you mustn’t insist that she changes, nor bring it up again.
Presuming to know what her colleagues think of the new look is a big mistake, and I urge you to put all such thoughts out of mind. Frankly, and I mean this in the kindest way, her role at work and how she’s perceived by her colleagues has nothing to do with you. Of course, it’s natural for us to want our partners to look their best. But what constitutes ‘best’ is entirely subjective.
My former husband hated that I wore heavy make-up and straightened my hair.
Like you, he loved the natural look and spent years telling me how much better he thought I was with no make-up and wild, curly hair. He would often reprimand me when I’d made a huge effort to look good. He would tell me that short jackets didn’t suit me, that I looked far better in tunics.
Did I listen? Usually not. His comments only helped to make me feel controlled and unappreciated. I liked who I saw in the mirror, even if he did not. Even if he was right, even if I did look better dressed up as he wanted, I felt more myself with bold make-up and blown-out hair. I felt confident and more secure. However noble his intentions, I had to make the choices that felt right for me, not him.
The only person your girlfriend needs to listen to is herself. If you truly love her, let her be who she is without the need to transform into whoever you decide is the best version of her.
Dear Jane,
My husband and I love each other very much and have three children together, aged ten, 12 and 16.
Over the last year, however, we have been facing serious problems in the bedroom.
First, my husband developed restless leg syndrome, which was preventing me sleeping at all.
So, I began taking sleeping pills, which made me groggy throughout the day and gave me several other problematic side effects.
I need to stop relying on medication to fall asleep but there is no way I’ll be able to get good rest with my husband’s jarring body movements disturbing me all night.
I was thinking of asking him to move into the spare bedroom – permanently – or moving in there myself.
But I’m scared of what that would mean for our marriage.
Will he be upset that if I ask for this? Will we stop being intimate together when we no longer share a bed?
How can I explain to him – and my children – that this is the best decision for our relationship and not something to worry about?
From,
Popping Pills
Dear Popping Pills,
I have recently learned that there is a term for couples who love each other, are married to each other, yet choose to sleep separately. It’s called having a ‘sleep divorce’.
According to one recent survery, 35 percent of couples in America now choose to sleep separately, with that number reaching 43 percent among Millennials.
I was talking to a friend last week who said she very much wants to meet ‘her person’, the man she hopes to spend the rest of her life with, but that she will never, ever share her bed.
It seems we have come full circle. In days of old, it was not uncommon for married couples to have separate beds and separate bedrooms, with the wife often inviting her husband in for some conjugal fun. That changed in the Sixties during the sexual revolution, which saw couples routinely sharing beds. But now we seem to be moving on again, with people increasingly opting for sleep divorces.
Whether it’s due to restless leg syndrome, snoring, or simply different work patterns, the choice to sleep separately need not be the death knell for a relationship.
While some may see it as an indication that there is something wrong with a marriage, I assure you that’s not the case. In fact, the greatest tool we have in our armories to boost happiness is rest. Everything gets better when we are well rested. Conflicts reduce, moods lift.
Make sure that you communicate clearly and honestly about your reasoning for wanting separate beds, and use this as an opportunity to wean yourself off any sleep aids.
As with everything in relationships, communication is always the answer.
