Dear Jane,
My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year and we make each other very happy.
Recently, she’s opened up about struggling with her self-esteem and experiencing body image issues but, to me, she is perfect!
She’s naturally gorgeous and has a great body — one that most women would envy.
Anyway, she recently went on a bachelorette weekend trip to Miami with her college friends — who are a little crazy — and did something extremely impulsive and reckless.
Apparently, all the girls got drunk and decided to get their nipples pierced. My girlfriend didn’t want to be a party pooper, so she did it too.
When she got home and told me, I was furious. I think she should’ve at least told me before doing something like that to her body! We’re a couple, after all, and things like this should be a joint decision.
To make matters worse, I hate the piercing. It looks so tacky.
Dear Jane: My girlfriend loves her new cosmetic enhancement… But I hate it. And every man I know does too.
She has small-ish boobs, so she usually goes bra-less — and now her piercing pokes through her clothes. I feel like everyone in public is staring at her chest.
I asked some of my guy friends what they think of nipple piercings, and all of them agreed that they’re a massive turn-off — which makes me feel even more ashamed of my girlfriend’s new body bling.
The piercing is honestly giving me the ick, and it grosses me out when we’re intimate.
I really want to tell her how I feel and ask her to take the stud out to let the hole close up, but she says she loves it, and that it makes her feel sexy and confident. Knowing that she has struggled with body issues in the past makes me feel guilty about hating something she finds so empowering.
What do I do?
From,
Nipple it in the bud
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Nipple it in the bud,
There are a few issues that jump out at me here.
First is your thinking that, because you and your girlfriend are a couple, she has to seek your approval before she does something to her body. I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that. She is not your property, nor is she even your wife. She’s your girlfriend, and has absolute autonomy.
As for why she didn’t discuss this with you beforehand — perhaps she knew you wouldn’t like it. A few years ago, I wanted a tattoo. But my husband at the time hated tattoos. If I had told him that I planned to get one, he would have gone to great lengths to talk me out of it — and I (as a people-pleaser) would probably have agreed to stand down.
But this tattoo was important to me, and it was my body, so I made the decision to go ahead without telling my husband. As some might put it, I asked for forgiveness rather than permission.
The second issue I see here relates to communication — which is a vital component of any relationship.
While I don’t think your girlfriend had to ask your permission to get her nipple pierced, I do think it’s generally healthy to discuss large decisions together as a couple. Although, certain circumstances — like being drunk at a bachelorette party — can make that tricky.
The final issue is your mention of the dreaded ick.
The ick is a real thing, and once we have it, it’s hard to get over. Although, when we reveal that we have the ick, often our aversion dissipates.
I remember a friend telling me she’d developed the ick for her boyfriend, and when she finally told him, he confessed that something she had done had also given him a bad feeling. As they were able to talk and laugh about it, their respective icks disappeared.
My point being, you need to be open with your girlfriend and tell her how you really feel about the piercing. Just as she has the right to do something to her body, you have the right to tell her how you feel about it.
If she decides she wants to keep it, maybe this relationship has to end. And if that’s the case, accept that this was not the right person for you.
Dear Jane,
My wife and I have been together for over a decade and we are now in our 30s.
A few weeks ago, she went on a night out with some friends to celebrate a birthday.
The next morning she confessed to me that she had drunkenly made out with one of the other girls.
She was worried I was going to be furious and consider it cheating – but honestly, it’s the complete opposite.
I have always found this friend in particular extremely attractive, so the thought of my wife having a drunken steamy make-out with her really turned me on.
At first, I didn’t tell her this because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. So we just laughed about it and moved on.
But then I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss, so a few nights ago, when I was a bit drunk myself, I asked my wife if her friend would be down for a threesome. My wife flatly refused.
Now I find myself unable to let go of the idea, and I’m having intrusive thoughts during our lovemaking about the two of them kissing.
It seems like I might never get this out of my head. Please help!
From,
Kiss & Tell
Dear Kiss & Tell,
A drunken make-out session does not a threesome make.
Your wife has actually just spiced up your sex life in a way that sounds exciting rather than intrusive.
Everyone fantasizes! Instead of punishing yourself by thinking of your fantasies as intrusive thoughts, simply appreciate the fun they add to your lovemaking.
I will say, it’s probably wise not to suggest a threesome again. As much as you are turned on by the thought of your wife kissing this other woman, it doesn’t sound like she is harboring similar fantasies.
And, even if she is attracted to this friend of hers, attraction to someone alone does not mean there should be an automatic invitation for them to join the marital bed.
Rather than asking your wife for a threesome, perhaps tell her how much the kiss turned you on, and that you fantasize about it.
Telling her about it may help you to stop thinking about this as intrusive, and therefore wrong.
Sex ought to have a playful element, and there should be no shame in revealing our desires. In fact, the more fun you have, the more likely you are to avoid the dreaded ‘married sex’ — an occasional quickie just to get it over and done with.
