Dear Jane,
When I moved to New York City, I couldn’t afford to rent my own apartment, so I joined a Facebook group to find a roommate.
I moved in with a girl who is very different from me, but nice enough to live with.
I work a 9-to-5 job and have a very busy social life, while she is an artist and mostly stays home.
We don’t spend much time together — I mostly only see her in passing.
When I came home from work earlier this week, I was surprised to see my bedroom door open (I always keep it closed), and when I went inside, I noticed my underwear drawer was left ajar.
I was extremely disturbed by this and instinctively assumed someone had broken in, so I texted my roommate and asked if she had seen anything suspicious.
She instantly confessed that she had been in my room and nonchalantly told me she needed to borrow a bra… so she took one of mine.
The next evening, when I returned home from work, she explained to me (to my absolute horror) that she had worn my bra on a first date — and that she went home with the guy and slept with him.
Am I wrong to be grossed out by this? Not only did she wear my underwear without asking, but she was also intimate with some random man while wearing my bra. And then she was bizarrely nonchalant about the whole situation.
Honestly, it’s making me want to move out, but our apartment is really nice and the rent is so affordable. Should I confront her, or just put a lock on my door and try to avoid her as much as possible?
From,
Lingerie loaner
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Lingerie loaner,
It is so hard to tell someone when their behavior has hurt us.
In your case, I’m guessing you don’t want to rock the boat, or cause tension in your relationship by bringing up concerns.
But something needs to be said.
Nobody has the right to come into your bedroom without permission, never mind ‘borrow’ your clothes.
You need to confront your roommate about what she did — but you don’t need to be combative.
In fact, rather than looking at it as a confrontation, see it simply as a conversation.
The best way to tell someone you are uncomfortable is to start with ‘I felt…’ sentences, rather than ‘you or your behavior…’
It’s hard to argue with someone’s feelings. If you start with the fact that you feel uncomfortable, violated or disrespected when someone does a certain thing, there isn’t much they can say. Conversely, pointing the finger can make them defensive.
Try saying something alone the lines of, ‘I felt violated when you entered my bedroom without my knowledge and helped yourself to my clothes.’
You can continue with how uncomfortable you are at the thought of anyone else wearing your underwear, and request that she does not do this without your permission again.
Remember, it is completely within your rights to set this boundary. If she does it again, you can have the same conversation, and let her know that now you will be putting a lock on your door.
Dear Jane,
My father-in-law passed away suddenly last year.
The will he left named his brother and my husband as executors.
His brother had no interest in dealing with the will, so my husband and I spent weeks getting it sorted — filling in paperwork, contacting people and paying any fees.
The will stated that the house would be left to his brother, while my 23-year-old daughter — his only grandchild — would receive all of my father-in-law’s money, which was around $100,000.
After learning this news, his brother became furious. He said some really hurtful things about our family, including that my ‘spoiled’ daughter was ‘undeserving’ of the inheritance money.
While his brother’s reaction has made me angry, it has made my husband deeply depressed and very anxious.
He is still mourning his father’s death, and now his uncle won’t even speak to him.
My husband wants to give his uncle half of the inheritance to make amends, but I don’t want this to happen. I think the money should stay with my daughter, where it was intended to be, so she can pay off her student loans and build her savings.
It’s my husband’s side of the family, so ultimately it’s his decision. How can I convince him to do what’s best for our daughter?
From,
Will wishes
Dear Will wishes,
What a tricky situation!
I completely understand your husband’s wish to make peace by giving his uncle half the inheritance, but I’m with you.
We have to assume that a person’s will contains their final wishes. Your late father-in-law made his wishes clear, and he certainly didn’t ignore his brother’s needs.
I have no idea where you live, but given the cost of real estate in the United States these days, I’m assuming the value of his house is over $100,000. In which case, your husband’s uncle has been taken care of.
But regardless, there is a greater issue here.
It’s important to understand that we cannot control other people. If your husband will feel better about himself giving his uncle half the money, there is nothing you can do.
Resenting him for taking that money away from your daughter is only going to come between the two of you.
By all means, express your feelings to your husband, but you have to accept his final decision.
You don’t have to have a relationship with his uncle, and I imagine you probably don’t want to after his comments about your daughter being spoiled, but you cannot get in the way of your husband having a relationship with him.
Rather than focusing on what your daughter doesn’t have, focus on how lucky she is to have an unexpected $50,000.
Gratitude makes everything in life better. Choosing to focus on blessings rather than burdens paves the way to a peaceful life.
