Dear Jane,
My wife and I have been together for three years and married for just over one. We have a lot in common – except when it comes to politics.
We live in Pennsylvania, so we know plenty of Democrats and Republicans – and everything in between. I enjoy having a broad range of friends, regardless of where they fall on the political spectrum.
I’ve always known that my wife is liberal but it has never really been an issue, mostly because we met soon after the last election.
Donald Trump had disappeared and she was content with a Biden presidency. But I have been an avid Trump supporter since he ran in 2016.
When it became clear that Trump would be the Republican nominee this time round, the political differences between us started to show.
Dear Jane: My wife says she won’t sleep with me if I vote for Trump
We see eye-to-eye in most situations, but when it comes to Trump she is extremely set in her ways. She constantly says how much she hates him whenever he’s on the news, and repeatedly asks me how I can possibly support him.
We had to turn off the debate between Trump and Kamala Harris halfway through because we couldn’t stop arguing. I don’t think our marriage would have survived a second debate!
So, as the election approaches, we’ve decided to stop talking about politics altogether. We’ve stopped watching the news when we’re both at home. We don’t discuss what we are reading.
This new dynamic was working quite well – until this week, when my wife declared the morning after a particularly steamy bedroom session the night before: She will put me on a ‘sex ban’ if I vote for Trump.
She says that, because the Pennsylvania race is so tight, my vote alone could change the whole outcome of the election, and she refuses to have sex with me unless I vote for Harris… or not at all.
Obviously, I am not going to vote for Harris. I’m desperate for a second Trump presidency. But I also couldn’t live without our sex life. How can I explain to my wife that I can’t change my beliefs so easily?
From,
Lonely Trumper
Dear Lonely Trumper,
Setting aside the delicate and enormously divisive topic of this election, I would like to focus on the ultimatum you have been given.
Ultimatums are generally never good things in a relationship. The fact that your wife has issued one is concerning and illustrates the need for you both to work on your communication skills.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Healthy relationships require communication and kindness above all else. Curiosity is key. Given the political discord between you, a healthy approach might be talking to each other about why you like the candidates you do, what fears you have, and your hopes for the next four years.
Try to understand why the other is so committed to their side, rather than castigating them for that choice.
Boundaries in relationships can be positive. A healthy boundary set by your wife, for example, might have been a request for you not to discuss your politics, so that she can protect herself from hurt.
An ultimatum, on the other hand, is deeply controlling, and never a healthy way to communicate since it will inevitably lead to resentment. Unfortunately, resentment rarely disappears on its own.
Instead, resentment that isn’t dealt with, discussed in an open way where both parties can listen to the other, will always fester, leading to bigger, more detrimental problems.
There is no easy answer to your problem. Like the forthcoming election, perhaps, there may be no clear winner.
But political differences have broken up countless families and marriages. So unless you intend to become one of them, I urge you and your wife to find a professional therapist or counsellor to help you navigate through your differences, and find a way to communicate without needing to control each other.
Dear Jane,
My husband and I have friends of 30 years who have recently gone vegan.
Every time we now see them, they insist on cooking only vegan or eating at vegan restaurants.
Why is it only about what they can eat? The wife even made a fuss at our daughter’s wedding, demanding that a server find her a vegan meal.
We love them dearly, but we’re sick of the lack of consideration on their part. What can we do?
From,
Meat Moan
Dear Meat Moan,
I often find that people’s intransigence around food choices is about needing to be ‘special’. This is particularly when they make a big public song and dance about what they will and won’t eat. If you can, find compassion.
Most people go about their lives quietly, without the need to impose their needs on everyone else. Those that do are often expressing long-hidden (often childhood) feelings about needing to be important, to stand out in some way.
The fact that your friend made a fuss at your daughter’s wedding leads me to believe this is true of her.
She could so easily have brought her own food or organized something beforehand, quietly. Her creating a scene leads me to believe there is more going on here.
You don’t have to always follow their lead. Find a restaurant you’d like to go to, and reach out in advance to ensure the kitchen can accommodate vegan choices for your friends. That way, everyone is happy.
Dear Jane,
My widowed father is 79 years old. He has a lady ‘friend’ that I cannot stand.
She is truly a parasite. She doesn’t pay for anything. He drives her everywhere and always picks up the bill for drinks or dinner, even though he is on a fixed income from his pension.
When I criticize her, he says ‘don’t you want me to be happy?’
Of course I do, but everything is always about what HE can do for her, never what SHE can do for him.
How can I protect him?
From,
Concerned Child
Dear Concerned Child,
Unfortunately, you can’t protect your father.
Despite his advancing years and your conviction that he is being taken advantage of, he is an adult, who has his own life, and makes his own choices.
This is such a common dilemma. I have a friend right now whose ninety-something father is spending all his money on a woman thirty-five years his junior. It is clearly a situation where the father is being taken advantage of, yet there is little to be done.
Try and focus on the fact that, however greedy you may find this woman, she is alleviating your father’s loneliness, providing him with comfort and companionship.
As hard as it may be to hear, it is not for you to dictate how your father lives out the rest of his life.
Perhaps it would be best for your relationship to see him on his own, to keep quiet about his lady friend, and for you to focus on the relief of the burden of looking after him – which is a responsibility that so often falls solely to children.
