Dear Vanessa,
About 18 months ago, my nephew asked if I could lend him $8,000. He’d just started his own plumbing business and needed the money to cover some setup costs – things like equipment and marketing. I didn’t hesitate. I’ve always been fond of him, and he was so passionate about what he was building. He promised he’d pay me back within the year.
Since then, there’s been… nothing.
No repayments. No proper conversation. He’s never even brought it up again. Meanwhile, I see him on social media posting about new purchases for the business, dinners out, and even a weekend getaway with his girlfriend. It makes me feel foolish. I didn’t expect him to hand it back all at once, but I did expect him to show some effort or at least talk to me about it.
I’ve tried hinting, but he just changes the subject. I don’t want to cause tension in the family or seem petty, but I also feel disrespected and disappointed. That money didn’t come easily to me – I took it out of my savings – and it feels like he’s forgotten what it meant to me.
I’m not sure whether to confront him, let it go, or accept that it’s a lesson learned. What should I do?
Greta.
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov
Hi Greta,
This is a situation many people find themselves in, and yet it’s rarely spoken about openly. Lending money to family feels generous in the moment, but when there’s silence on the other side, it can leave you feeling hurt, confused, and financially exposed.
Let me start by saying this: you’re not wrong to feel disappointed. You gave your nephew a generous loan – not a gift – with a clear agreement that it would be repaid within a year. And that hasn’t happened.
From what you’ve described, he hasn’t acknowledged the loan or made any attempt to talk about it. Meanwhile, you’re watching him live life as though the debt doesn’t exist. That’s a hard place to be in because the emotional cost ends up being even higher than the financial one.
The most important thing now is to have a direct and respectful conversation. You don’t need to create conflict, but you do need to be clear. Silence will only make the situation more frustrating for you.
You could say something like: ‘I just wanted to check in about the $8,000 I loaned you last year. I know things can get busy, and I haven’t heard anything about repayments. I’d appreciate a chat about how we could work out a repayment plan that suits you and allows me to recover the funds I lent.’
This opens the door to a proper conversation without blame, but with boundaries. It also gives him the opportunity to explain his situation, if things are tighter than they appear.
If he brushes you off again or avoids the conversation, then you’ll need to decide whether you want to pursue the debt formally (for example, through small claims court) or mentally write it off and move forward, having learned an important lesson.
Neither path is easy. But what matters most is that you prioritise your own financial wellbeing and peace of mind.
In future, if a family member asks for money, it’s okay to ask for the terms in writing. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust them – it means you value clarity. A short agreement via email, including the repayment timeline, can go a long way in protecting relationships and expectations.
You acted from a place of kindness. But kindness shouldn’t come at the cost of your security or your dignity. Whether your nephew realises it or not, he owes you more than just money, he owes you respect.
Whatever you decide, I hope you come out of this feeling more empowered, not less.
Good luck,
Vanessa.
