I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 29 – but since then I’ve learnt how to have one with my partner EVERY TIME we make love…here’s how you can too

I was 29 years-old the first time I had orgasm. I was, to put it delicately, alone at the time. And it was a revelation.

It was as if I’d opened a compartment of life that had been tightly locked, and now so many things suddenly made sense.

This must be why everyone makes such a fuss about sex, I thought. 

Until that evening, when I cancelled plans to spend time alone in bed, the thought of touching my own body made me uncomfortable.

I’d spent my teens and early 20s harbouring a deep dislike for my appearence. It meant I was turned off by my body, and didn’t feel as though I deserved to feel pleasure. 

Erica Crompton at home with her partner, Paul, who has helped her to feel comfortable in her own body.

I suffered several years of life-wrecking eating disorders, including a laxative addiction that further drove disconnection from my physical self. 

I’d fumble around with boyfriends in my late teens, but I never truly enjoyed it. My priority with romantic interests had always been safety — someone who wouldn’t betray or leave me — rather than a man I was attracted to.

It meant I never really felt desire. Needless to say I had never climaxed.

But then, at 29, I broke up with a man with whom I’d never had good sex. I thought, enough was enough. I was going to have an orgasm — and I was going to do it myself.

I read all there was to read about self pleasure, sex and orgasms, and carved out a full afternoon and evening to focus on my body.

After a bit of scrabbling about, I discovered the parts of my body that were particularly sensitive, and the pressure that felt good. 

It took a little trial and error but, eventually, I had my first orgasm.

It was liberating, and I couldn’t quite believe it had taken me so long to allow myself to experience such a powerful sensation. 

I spent the next few weeks discovering my physical self and, for the first time in my life, giving myself permission to feel something good.

A recent study involving 24,000 US adults aged from 18 to 100 found women experience an orgasm roughly half the times they have sex, while men say they climax on 70-85 per cent of occasions.

And I am proud to say that, since then, I climax pretty much every time I have sex, although foreplay is usually involved. 

I’ve been with my current partner for three years and our intimacy has never once left me feeling unsatisfied — which I know can’t be said for most women. 

The precious time spent getting to know myself in my late 20s was an education in what works, and what doesn’t. I know the right rhythms, positions and nerve endings and, most importantly, I am not afraid to ask for what I want. 

I’m not alone in my delayed sexual awakening.

Polls show that around a fifth of women feel that masturbation is ‘shameful’ or ‘wrong’. Experts have posed that this might have something to do with the prevailing culture that focuses more on male sexual pleasure than it does female. 

‘The kind of sex we see in the movies or in porn is generally focused more on male arousal, fast thrusting and a race to the finish line,’ says sex educator Mangala Holland.

‘Female bodies tend to respond better to more foreplay and a longer arousal build-up.’

But I think our failure to get to know our bodies is what’s driving one of the biggest — and most unfortunate — discrepancies between the genders: the orgasm gap.

A recent study involving 24,000 US adults aged from 18 to 100 found women experience an orgasm roughly half the times they have sex, while men say they climax on 70-85 per cent of occasions. 

This is often dismissed using biology. Some say that the difference in male and female anatomy means many women simply can’t climax during intercourse, and there’s little you can do about it.

But Holland says that by regularly exploring your body, including the entrance of the vaginal canal, you can learn subtle positions that make the experience with a partner far more enjoyable.

For instance, if your nerve endings are towards the back of the body, placing a pillow under your lower back to lift your pelvis can help stimulate the necassary areas. 

What’s more, the self knowledge makes you more empowered to ask your partner to specific, sensitive areas, perhaps with a hand — or even a toy. 

Practising this level of honesty in intimate moments builds healthy communication outside of the bedroom, I’ve found. 

These kinds of conversations have made me empowered to ask my partner to give extra time or emotional support when I need it. 

If you already feel ‘at one’ with yourself, but still struggle to reach dizzying pleasures during sex, don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Some medications and underlying health conditions can both affect your libido and de-sensitize the nerves in the intimate area. 

In hindsight, I think my reluctance to self-pleasure in my teens and 20s was a result of a difficult childhood  that made me feel unworthy and not good enough. 

And then, at the age of 22, I suffered a psychotic episode — which I have written about before in The Mail. 

It marked the beginning of several years of mental health problems, which I’ve since received treatment for.

The ordeal left me feeling even more disconnected from my body, with sex at the very bottom of my priority list. 

‘Some women may experience orgasmic blocking for psychological reasons including past emotional trauma, as well as negative messages about sex they’ve learned from family or religion,’ says sexual health expert Dr Michael Krychman.

‘While a journey of self sexual exploration is important, a sexuality health care professional may also be needed.’

Now, at the age of 44, I’m happy to say I’m more comfortable with my body than ever before. Plus, I’ve got 15 years of orgasms behind — and many more to come.