Dear Jana,
I’ve been seeing someone for three months after recently getting divorced, and it’s going great… except for one thing.
He’s never gone down on me. Once.
I’ve tried hinting that it’s something I like but he awkwardly changes the subject.
It’s not a deal-breaker – yet – but I can’t help but feel a bit neglected, especially as it’s my go-to way to reach orgasm.
I’ve always thought of sex as a two-way street, and I’ve definitely pulled my weight in that department.
Is it too soon to bring it up? Or is this a red flag I should pay more attention to?
High and Dry
Jana Hocking gives an insecure husband a reality check after he forgave his wife’s holiday affair. She also helps out a divorced woman whose new boyfriend won’t go down on her
Dear High and Dry,
Dump him.
Look, maybe not immediately, but keep it in your back pocket as a very viable option.
Here’s the thing. It’s 2025. If you’re a grown man in a relationship with a woman and your tongue doesn’t have a starring role in your sexual repertoire, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Preferably while holding a laminated diagram of the clitoris and a copy of Cosmo circa 2002.
Remember when DJ Khaled publicly declared he refuses to go down on women because he’s ‘the king’ and expects it only the other way around? He was thoroughly shamed by women around the world.
Because oral sex, when done properly, is not just a ‘bonus round’ or a ‘warm-up’. For many women, it’s the main event. The clitoris has more than 10,000 nerve endings, and they all deserved to be serviced.
For a lot of us, our orgasms come from oral sex, not penetrative sex. Surely, this is common knowledge for men by now?
If he’s not even trying, that tells you two things: he’s either clueless or he’s selfish -and neither of those bodes well for your future together.
‘Oral sex, when done properly, is not just a ‘bonus round’ or a ‘warm-up’. For many women, it’s the main event,’ writes Jana (stock image posed by models)
You say it’s not a deal-breaker ‘yet’ – and fair enough, maybe you want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he’s nervous or needs a little encouragement. But right now you are in the golden window of establishing what your future sex life is going to look like, and if you don’t say anything, he’ll assume it’s all totally fine.
If that happens, you’ll resent him every time you have sex and are unable to reach the finish line… knowing full well you would have got there had he just gone downtown.
So yes, bring it up. Gently, playfully, but confidently. You’re not asking for a Ferrari, just for him to eat you out. Most men love doing it.
If he continues to avoid the conversation again, acts weird, or suggests you’re being out of order, then you have your answer. Dump him.
Dear Jana,
Last year, my wife went on a girls’ trip to Thailand. She came back acting a little off. Distant, emotional, apologetic.
A few weeks later, she confessed she’d had a drunken fling with a guy she met at a beach bar. Literally, just like The White Lotus. She said it meant nothing, she was ashamed, and she begged me to forgive her.
I was gutted, but I loved her. So I stayed. We did couples therapy, we tried to rebuild the trust, and eventually we got to a place where we were having sex again and things felt almost back to normal.
Then one night, while we were having sex, she whispered in my ear something she had never said before in the bedroom. ‘Go deeper.’
Jana, I was already all the way in.
A throwaway remark by his wife in bed has a her husband spiralling a year after she confessed to an affair while on holiday (stock image posed by models)
I didn’t say anything in the moment, but my stomach dropped. And that’s when it hit me: she’s been with someone bigger – and she liked it.
Now I can’t stop thinking about it. All the progress we made has flown out the window. Every time we’re intimate, I feel like I’m competing with a memory I wasn’t supposed to know about.
In my mind, I’ve gone from being the man she married to the guy she settled for. Honestly, I’m close to asking for a separation.
Breaking Point.
Dear Breaking Point,
Let me make two things clear: 1) You are definitely overthinking this. 2) She hasn’t necessarily been with someone bigger – and even if she has, that line wasn’t about him. It’s more likely she’s been reading those spicy romance books all the suburban mums are obsessed with and quoted a particularly filthy line in the heat of passion.
Honestly, go rifling around her bedside drawer and I bet you find a saucy novel she’s getting inspiration from.
Also, ‘go deeper’ isn’t always literal. Sometimes it just means ‘get closer,’ ‘try a different angle,’ or ‘let me feel more connected to you.’
Jana says men shouldn’t overthink sex talk – half the time it’s women just trying to get themselves going (stock image posed by models)
And while I’m being honest, half the things women say during sex are just as much about turning ourselves on as they are about turning you on. It’s performance and fantasy – it’s part of the moment. Think of it as verbal lube. It gets the engine going.
I’ve said all sorts of things mid-shag that weren’t rooted in fact. It doesn’t mean I was wishing I was with someone else – quite the opposite. It means I was trying to keep the mood alive and ride the wave. You know, make it sexy.
Trust me, this isn’t about the guy from last year. If she were still emotionally invested in that affair, she would’ve slipped up in a much more obvious way long before this.
One throwaway line mid-thrust is not a smoking gun; it’s a woman enjoying having sex with you, not one comparing you to her beach fling.
And while I’m sure you don’t want to dwell on your wife’s infidelity, if you think realistically, her fling with Mr Beach Bar almost certainly was not the wild sex you’ve conjured up in your head. It would have been messy, probably a little wobbly, and followed hours later by a horrendous hangover
So breathe. Stop spiralling. And if it’s still rattling around your head next time you’re between the sheets – ask her to show you what she means. She might only be angling for a different position.
If all else fails, get a dick pump.
Dear Jana,
My 50-year-old husband who used to hate technology recently downloaded Instagram and two months later his Explore page is a smorgasbord of smut.
I know all men say it’s the ‘algorithm’ that pushes sex stuff onto their feeds, but I’ve checked and, lo and behold, he is following a litany of OnlyFans models.
He’s liking bikini photos and even comments stuff like, ‘Nice sunset!’ and ‘Have a lovely day!’ Not only does it make me feel bed, but frankly it’s pathetic.
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen my strong, handsome husband as a midlife loser.
I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable, but he says it’s ‘just social media’ and I’m overthinking it. I trust him in real life, but online it feels like a thousand tiny betrayals.
Am I being insecure? Or is this a boundary I’m allowed to have?
What Happened to My Husband?
Dear What Happened to My Husband?
Unlike the bloke in the previous letter who was spiralling over a few words in the bedroom, in this case, your spiralling is entirely justified – and yes, I hate to say it, but your husband is behaving like a pathetic creep.
Let me paint a picture. Just last week, I had a bloke in my DMs ranting because I shared a meme about why I don’t want to get married. He was losing his mind, frothing about how marriage is ‘the best decision he’s ever made’ and how married people are so much happier than us sad, lonely singles. Blah, blah, blah.
Then I scrolled up… and saw all the fire emojis and thirsty pick-up lines he’d sent me in response to my years-old old bikini pics. I thought, ‘Wow, if this is the poster boy for marriage, no wonder the divorce rate is booming!’
So, no, your husband doesn’t get to hide behind ‘it’s just social media’. If he’s out there sending likes and desperate comments to younger women, then you are absolutely within your rights to say, ‘This makes me feel gross.’
A boundary isn’t about being controlling; it’s about protecting your peace. If something makes you feel disrespected, you are allowed to say so. If he responds by gaslighting you into thinking you’re the problem, that’s not a healthy partnership.
So here’s my advice: Sit him down and say, ‘Look, I’m not asking you to gouge your eyes out or unfollow every woman with a tan line. I’m just asking you to respect me enough not to publicly drool over other women like a bored teenager.’
If he laughs it off again, don’t argue. Start flirting with men in real life. If he questions you, tell him, ‘At least I’ve got the balls to do it in real life, not behind a screen.’
Okay, that may be slightly immature but it will feel good to hit him right where it hurts.
