I was widowed at 35 with 3 young children but the cruellest blow was the judgement I faced for moving on less than a year after my husband died

One minute, my husband Matthew and I were living the dream. We had good jobs, three wonderful, healthy children and we were about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime by moving to Australia.

But just a month after our Australian visas arrived, tragedy struck. In 2018, out of the blue, Matthew had a seizure at home and died. Suddenly, I found myself widowed at 35, with three children under five. All my hopes and dreams were shattered. It’s a tragedy that would break the strongest of people. But I’m proof that life’s most challenging moments can make us stronger.

Matthew was only 37 and his death was completely unexpected and such a huge shock. It was an incredibly traumatic time.

I kept thinking; ‘How will I survive this? How will I look after three kids on my own?’ I was in the thick of grief, trying to look after three very young children (twins aged two and a five-year-old daughter).

I spent the first year just trying to survive. It was sink or swim and I realised quickly that the responsibility was all mine – I didn’t have the option to lie down, I had to keep moving and do whatever I could to enable us to survive. The first night after Matthew died my mum offered to come and stay with me. But I declined. I told myself: ‘I need to be able to do this – I need to have the strength – because he’s not coming back.’

At first, the children were a distraction and I didn’t grieve properly. But my psychology training meant that I knew I needed to allow myself to fully grieve, to feel all the emotions.

As well as trying to cope emotionally, I had to try and keep us going financially – we went from having two adults on full-time salaries to me on a part-time salary.

I was horrified to learn the government has cut financial support to widows like me by over 90 per cent – it used to be available while the youngest child is in full-time education or eligible for child benefit but now bereavement support payments stop after just 18 months.

Laura, from Edinburgh, who has now written a book about her experience, has campaigned for financial support for widows

Laura, who works as a clinical psychologist, lost her husband Matthew when he was just 37 years old. The couple pictured on their wedding day 

I feel so strongly about this that I’ve been to Parliament and even spoken to the then Prime Minister Rishi Sunak to push for a change in the law.

Our financial situation and the need to be there for my children led me to leave my job working in prisons and set up my own private practice, helping people who have experienced trauma and anxiety.

I joined the grief organisation WAY (Widowed and Young) which was a massive support. I attended grief sessions and events where I made friends with other widows – including Jack, a father-of-two. Within a year of being widowed, we were dating and are now a blended family with five children between us.

But just like Kelsey Parker, I experienced judgement for ‘moving on’.

I soon realised by dating within a year of being widowed I had gone against ‘societal standards’ – that there is almost a ‘timeline’ you are meant to follow.

There’s an industry standard in grief space – an unspoken rule that you are not supposed to make any big decisions in the first year like moving house or meeting a new partner. I went to a couple of grief events and I was asked in a hushed tone ‘Have you met anyone new?’ because you are not supposed to do it too quickly. But then, once two or three years have passed, people start asking: ‘Gosh, are you not meeting anyone?’

It seems you are not supposed to start a relationship ‘too soon’ but you can’t leave it ‘too late’ either.

There is a definite sense that you should grieve in a certain way, follow a certain timeline and this feels prescriptive to me.

Clinical psychologist Laura Williams (pictured with her late husband Matthew and their children) found herself suddenly and unexpectedly widowed at just 35-years-old

According to Laura, there is a ‘definite sense that you should grieve in a certain way, follow a certain timeline’ – but she says people are ‘allowed to feel how they feel’

Laura (pictured) felt judged, like she was going against the grief ‘timelines’ ascribed by society

There are gender differences too – it is more common statistically for men to meet someone sooner – there are more societal standards for women.

But people are allowed to feel how they feel, if they meet someone. Adults should be allowed to make their own decision without feeling judged or maligned by society.

When I first met Jack and we started meeting up with the children, I never imagined we would end up living together.

It was very much drip-fed dating. I met Jack at a grief group, not a blind date.

But overtime, the friendship developed into a relationship.

I felt very vulnerable starting a relationship. I never thought that I would be having to go on dates again. But as a young widow, I felt strongly that I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I couldn’t just throw my life away. I knew if I didn’t want to be alone, I had to do something about it.

I’ll love my husband for the rest of my life – but I knew I had to put myself out there again. It was a brave thing to do. But there is nothing more human than the need for intimacy, connection and closeness.

I remember going on a weekend away with WAY and a widow was saying she had been widowed for three or four years. She said: ‘That’s it for me now, he’s died, the door has closed for me. It’s just me and my daughter.’

According to Laura (pictured) she will always love her late husband – but that ‘there is nothing more human than the need for intimacy, connection and closeness’

The book by psychologist Dr Laura Williams, titled What to do when you Feel Broken (pictured) comes out on February 18

And I said: ‘But what about 10 years from now when your daughter is 14? What then?’

Empty nest syndrome is hard even when you have a partner, let alone when you are on your own!

I also wanted to provide a positive role model for my children and show them that although you go through hard challenging events, you can come through the other side. I wanted them to see a loving relationship and to know that there is always a way to lift yourself up, to put yourself out there again.

It’s been reported in the media that Kelsey Parker has lost contact with Max George since her husband Tom Parker died and is ‘hurt’ that she hasn’t heard from him. Like Kelsey, I’ve experienced ‘secondary losses’.

If Kelsey and Max are no longer in touch, I don’t think it’s surprising. Secondary losses are very common in grief and something that creeps up on you.

But there’s unlikely to be a toxic thought of ‘she’s a horrible woman, I’m not going to contact her’.

I’ve realised that some people are not in contact with me simply because we go through different seasons of our lives – things change.

I found it very awkward to tell family members I was dating someone after Matthew. It was hard for my family and Matthew’s family to see me ‘moving on’ – they had three grandchildren who they want to remember their son and there was anxiety that I wouldn’t do right by them, that my husband might be forgotten in some way, though I would never let that happen.

It is hard for extended families of people who lose a spouse because they are worried if they see you moving on too quickly. 

But as a psychologist I think the key to this is open communication, holding those conversations. I had conversations with my family and I remember my mum asking how I felt about Jack and about our compatibility.

People thought we were together because it was convenient – because we were both widows. But my partner and I are together because we are compatible – not because we are both widowed, although meeting him and having this shared experience certainly added to our early bond.

There was nothing convenient about meeting in the circumstances we did.

Losing Matthew was the hardest, most traumatising thing I’ve even been through. But I’ve realised that even life’s most challenging moments can show you your true strength.

As a clinical psychologist, since losing Matthew, I’ve come across so many people who have been through so many hard things in life. Many people think that going through a traumatic experience breaks you but it also builds resilience.

Trauma doesn’t have to be the end – it can be the start of new beginnings. Had I not lost Matthew I would probably have stuck in my NHS career and not written the book, which is so meaningful to me. I realised just how short life is and I didn’t want to live it in a limited way.

That’s why I wrote my first book What to Do When You Feel Broken which is published next week (February 18).

Trauma and grief are universal concepts – many people experience grief/loss without anyone dying. I wrote the book to help people learn how to let go of negative patterns and teach ways in which they might support themselves. I wanted to use myself and my experiences as a vehicle to teach others.

People think that trauma is something we can’t overcome, but we can. Really challenging events like mine can make us grow.

I want to honour Matthew’s legacy. His death taught me that life is too short, you have to seize all opportunities that come your way. Had I not had that loss, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, doing what I am doing. 

* Jack’s name has been changed 

Laura’s book ‘What to Do When You Feel Broken’ is published on Feb 18th and is available on Amazon and at Waterstones and WHSmith