With rising numbers of people being diagnosed with autism in adulthood, many talk about the lightbulb moment when those quirky behaviours and anxieties and maverick character traits are finally explained.
Diagnosis can be a source of insight not only for the autistic person, but also for their partners – who can adopt small changes in approach to smooth the passage of communication, minimising stress and conflict.
According to occupational therapist and autism specialist Conor Mc Donagh, a prod from a partner is one reason he and his team are getting such a huge increase in referrals from adults who were never diagnosed as children.
‘Many autistic people learn to manage the issues associated with their autism as they go through life, without realising that those issues – and their coping techniques – can have a significant impact on their loved ones,’ he says. ‘It can take someone very close to them to reveal that the strategies they’ve developed might not work so well in the context of a relationship – and might infuriate their unwitting partner.’
With men four times more likely to be autistic than women, here are six typical signs of autism to look out for in your other half – together with Mc Donagh’s expert advice on how to handle the situation…
1. He’s infuriatingly indifferent
When you rush into the room with a morsel of juicy gossip, or to relay a fraught tale of tactical manoeuvring at work, does he give you a bland look that leaves you wondering if he cares about you at all?
We often associate autism with difficulty reading non-verbal cues, but Mc Donagh says autistic men can struggle to put on the kind of face that expresses surprise, happiness or engagement.
We often associate autism with difficulty reading non-verbal cues
When this happens, he warns not to accuse your partner of being cold and heartless. ‘This suggestion can be deeply offensive,’ he says, ‘It is likely he does care very deeply about you, but he may prefer to use words rather than gestures.’
Mc Donagh recommends ‘conversational signposting’. ‘Tell him you want to talk about an issue at work that has upset you and that you’d like his point of view,’ he says, ‘or warn him that you’re going to have a rant and you don’t require his analysis of the situation. But be aware that if he has autism he will be more inclined to offer a logical solution rather than an emotionally supportive one.’
2. He swerves your friends
If he tries to wriggle out of any kind of group get-together and appears glum and grumpy when you force him to attend it might be that he doesn’t particularly like your friends, but if he’s autistic, it’s more likely that he struggles with the unpredictability and sensory overload of being in a busy social environment.
‘Many autistic people find noisy pubs and restaurants very stressful,’ says Mc Donagh. ‘They might be super-sensitive to strong smells and can also become stressed and agitated by the idea of unstructured, unpredictable situations where people are expected to mingle and chat.’
There’s no point saying, ‘don’t you like my friends?’, or adding to the pressure with ‘everyone is going to think it’s really odd if I go on my own again’. Far better, he says, is to seek to minimise his anxiety by arranging to meet in small groups if you can. ‘Try to pick quiet, calm venues. Be as clear as you can about where you’re going, who will be there, what people might be talking about, and try to offer somewhere for him to escape to if he needs to decompress.’ That might be the car (‘he’s just nipping out to take a phone call…’), a pub garden, or a chill-out room if you’re entertaining at home.
3. He’s started so he’ll finish
Happy marriages thrive on good communication but if you feel you’re sometimes being lectured on the relative merits of tanks over helicopters or the capacity of England’s football stadiums with absolutely zero chance of interjecting or hurrying things up, you could blame autism.
According to Conor Mc Donagh (pictured), apparent flashes of OCD can be a sign of autism
‘Autistic men will often find small talk fiendishly difficult and if they sense a conversation is required will prefer to get on to one of their favoured topics,’ says Mc Donagh. ‘The problem is, an autistic man can become so fixated on his favourite topic he will be impervious to interruptions, and will resolutely refuse to stop until he’s finished.’
He’s likely to be equally bad at reading body language and social cues so you can roll your eyes all you like and he’ll be mystified if you get up and leave the room while he’s in full swing.
Mc Donagh recommends explaining that others might not find his monologues interesting and suggests you direct him to look out for an obvious signal (a raised hand or a dramatic inhale of breath, for example) to indicate it’s time to draw things to a close.
4. He re-stacks your already stacked dishwasher
It can be infuriating to share a kitchen with a man who huffs and tuts if you inadvertently shuffle the contents of this alphetically ordered spice rack and who meticulously (and begrudgingly) re-arranges the contents of your hastily stacked dishwasher.
According to Mc Donagh this apparent flash of OCD can be a sign of autism. ‘Many autistics have very logical and organised brains and keeping order around them is one way to manage their anxiety,’ he says, warning that relationship difficulties can arise because another autistic trait is finding it very difficult to see the virtues in alternative behaviours (such as your random stacking technique).
He cautions against mischievously messing up his order by putting a pan on the top deck or wine glasses on the bottom, suggesting an open discussion about why his rigidity is bothering you – ‘autistics appreciate clarity,’ he says.
5. Rigid about routine
An autistic man might research and plan a holiday with military precision, analysing every possible detail – where you’re going to eat, what time you’re going to eat, what you’re going to eat – which can be great if you’re happy to hand over all responsibility (‘if you want the best possible deal and no stone unturned then ask an autistic person’, says Mc Donagh). But the downside is the possibility of crashing anxiety if the flight is delayed or any plans have to change.
‘People with autism tend to use the logical side of their brain and have difficulty using the creative side, so when plans do change they can become uncomfortable and anxious,’ he says.
Mc Donagh recommends pre-empting this possibility by discussing possible alternative scenarios ‘just in case’, but if disaster does strike, he says it’s never a good idea to say what you feel (‘calm down for goodness sake!’). He suggests finding an alternative activity your partner can focus on (researching the booking of an alternative hotel perhaps) to take their mind off the chaos.
6. He has five copies of the same jumper
If your attempts to smarten him up have failed and the comedy socks and floral shirts you gave him for Christmas last year are still languishing in their packaging, you could be dealing with the strong autistic trait of ‘sensory processing disorder’.
‘Many autistic people are highly sensitive to strong tastes, textures, smells and sounds,’ says McDonagh. ‘If your partner has found a particular item of clothing he really likes – because it fits him well and feels soft against his skin for instance – it would seem perfectly logical to buy two, three or four replicas to remove any possible anxiety around being forced to wear something scratchy or figure-hugging,’ he adds.
He cautions against throwing anything out but recommends checking the labels on his favourite items and working with him to gently expand his wardrobe repertoire with items made from similar fabrics and styles.
Conor Mc Donagh is an autism specialist with Coventry-based Caerus Therapies www.caerustherapies.com
