Orlando Bloom wants you to know he’s deep in his feelings since his split with Katy Perry.
Fresh off his hot bachelor weekend at Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez’s Venetian wedding, the film star looks pretty eager to distract gossip hounds – throwing them off the scent of his hotdogging ways by posting some pop-psychology quotes.
The Lonely Boy took to Instagram to air out a little Carl Jung, posting:
‘Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself.’
Jeez dude, that’s so deep I almost forgot you’re a rich, handsome actor constantly surrounded by hot chicks on every continent throwing themselves at your impish dimples and chiseled chin.
But he wasn’t done churning out the New Age hits on social media, because nothing completes a self-pity party like a quote from the Buddha himself:
‘Each day is a new beginning. What we do today is what matters most.’
So what did Orlando do today, other than trying to score public points as the victim in the imploded (and very public) breakup of two mega stars?
Orlando Bloom wants you to know he’s deep in his feelings since his split with Katy Perry (pictured together in March).
Jeez dude, that’s so deep I almost forgot you’re a rich, handsome actor constantly surrounded by hot chicks on every continent throwing themselves at your impish dimples and chiseled chin.
I imagine, like the rest of us, he continues to scroll through pics of himself with buxom singletons who got extra gussied up in Italy to shoot their shot with the crestfallen Lord of the Rings star.
Fitting that the dreamy archer from the LOTR trilogy was hitting bullseyes with Cupid’s newly minted arrows. He air-kissed the likes of Kim Kardashian, flirted with a brunette seductress in a water taxi and set tongues wagging like a yellow lab on edibles over a late-morning stroll with Sydney Sweeney.
Forget Orlando, this Casanova was starting to look a lot more like Whore-lando.
I get it, every time he asks some random woman if it’s going to rain, we will all assume he’s gotten her pregnant and they’re headed to Cartier to pick out an engagement ring.
Can you blame us? This poor bastard has fathered children with pop goddess Katy Perry (who, until her botched tour, idiotic rocket flight and American Idol bitchery was pretty cool) and supermodel Miranda Kerr.
Miranda is prettier than a Tahitian sunrise, but probably as conversational as a bowl of leftover oatmeal, so it’s not terribly surprising this wasn’t a long-term success.
Before the catwalker there was Penelope Cruz, Kate Bosworth and a rumored tryst with Selena Gomez. Those are just the ones we know about! Imagine how many starlets, flight attendants and waitresses he’s recited post-coital poems to in his endless quest to appear profound.
Fresh off his hot bachelor weekend at Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez’s Venetian wedding, the film star (pictured in Italy last month) looks pretty eager to distract gossip hounds – throwing them off the scent of his hotdogging ways by posting some pop-psychology quotes.
Before catwalker Kerr (pictured left with Bloom in 2013) there was Penelope Cruz, Kate Bosworth (pictured right with Bloom in 2006) and a rumored tryst with Selena Gomez. Those are just the ones we know about!
It’s hard to hatch a ton of sympathy for a guy who once went naked paddleboarding with his own oar. (Pictured: Bloom and Perry in 2016).
Let’s face it, this grinning cad has bagged and bedded some of the hottest women on the planet. Do we really buy that he’s suddenly replaced his libido with romantic dread?
I don’t feel bad for the guy, and I have to wonder: why does he get off as the victim while we’re so happy to watch Katy fail?
She emotes as intensely as any handsomely paid actor. As she was leaving the stage in Adelaide last month, she threw up the universal heart-hands symbol, sobbing, ‘Thank you Australia for always being there for me.’
Lord knows Orlando wasn’t. He’s too busy checking out Kardashian a** to care about his heartbroken baby mama.
It’s hard to hatch a ton of sympathy for a guy who once went naked paddleboarding with his own oar. He’ll be consoled, canoodled and probably motorboated by a new string of A-listers and perfect 10’s, all eager to soothe this sizzler’s troubled soul.
In the dog house
CNN’s Kaitlan Collins has bought a house on Nantucket. But co-workers bracing for cutbacks and lay-offs are too angry she can afford it to be in the mood for a limerick.
I have the solution. Fire Wolf Blitzer! He can shack up with Kaitlan.
Champing at the bit
Speaking of retirement age, Kaitlan Collins’ creepy Nantucket neighbor, Bill Belichick, and his hustler would-be-bride Jordon Hudson, flew the PJ into Saratoga Springs, New York, last week.
A fitting excursion for a controlling Lolita clumsily jockeying for a ring.
Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson jetted to Nantucket this week.
Put a cork in it
Meghan Markle has the subtlety of a school bus crash when it comes to product launches. Her new ‘As Ever’ rosé popped on July 1, which happens to be her dead mother-in-law’s birthday.
That’s not the only thing that’s tasteless. According to my Montecito sources, her wine is like vinegar.
Man overboard
Pass the sick-bag. Ritz-Carlton filled their superyacht ‘Luminara’ with ‘celebs and influencers’ like Kendall Jenner, Brooks Nader and Ricky Martin for a 48-hour cruise around the Italian coast.
So it IS possible to be washed up before you even raise anchor. Who knew?
A-list celebrities and influencers, like Sofia Vergara (pictured center), were aboard the Ritz-Carlton’s newest superyacht, the ‘Luminara.’
Big beautiful week
It’s good to be king! President Trump is having a helluva week. He obliterated Iran’s nuclear program, secured an Iran/Israel ceasefire, saw SCOTUS victories on gay books and anchor babies and signed off his Big Beautiful Bill.
What next? Sending Hillary to prison?
Insta-snub
Pint-sized cosmetics-slinger Kylie Jenner finally followed her man of two years on Instagram. But Timothee Chalamet is a cold-ass b***h and didn’t follow her back.
Maybe it was payback for not taking him as her date to Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez’s wedding.
