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Q: What do you say to a friend at the stage door when their show was kind of terrible? Is there a “nonpliment” you’d recommend?
There are three basic options here:
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Tell the truth, as a form of tough love.
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Find something to say that is appreciative but also incomplete.
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Lie.
Each approach has its pros and cons.
Truth is not always the answer.
For some people, being a straight shooter is a point of pride. They view directness as a positive character trait and believe it makes them trustworthy; they may think they’re upholding high standards and prioritizing artistic integrity. But none of the artists I spoke with about this question believe this is the right approach, particularly at the stage door.
There are certainly contexts in which expressing your concerns might be appropriate — particularly when you have been asked for such input, and when you have some expertise to offer. So if you are invited to a workshop for a project in development, or you are offered an early draft of a script, or you are asked to watch a rehearsal, and your friend is clear about wanting honest responses that might help them, go for it.
“If you are attending an early preview of a play and your friend is genuinely requesting feedback, ground it in your viewing experience, interspersing bits of praise with constructive thoughts about how you encountered specific moments, performances or production elements,” said Lauren Halvorsen, a dramaturg who writes Nothing for the Group, a theater newsletter. “It’s also helpful to check in with your friend on their experience: ‘How are you feeling? What are you learning from these audiences? What are you still working out about the piece?’ and craft your response around their questions and concerns.”
But once the show is on its feet, and you are greeting that friend backstage or at the stage door or at an after-party — fessing up that you disliked it is not the way to go.
How about finessing the situation?
Lots of people opt for an artful dodge. I’ve done that myself, in my case not because of friendship, but because of policy — The Times’s ethics rules say that reporters “may not comment, even informally, on works in progress before those works are reviewed,” so I often fall back on something generic like “congratulations” or “I’m so glad I was here.”
Those phrases aren’t great — they’re transparently nonspecific — and some people go overboard in that direction, saying things like “amazing,” or “you did it again!” that sound like praise, but could also be veiled insults. My gut is that if you’re prioritizing cleverness over compassion, you’re doing it wrong.
Several people told me their strategy is to emphasize what they did like about a show or a performance, because there is always something in that category.
“Art is subjective, which is part of what makes it so beautiful,” said the director Danya Taymor, who won a Tony Award last year for “The Outsiders” and is back on Broadway this spring directing the play “John Proctor Is the Villain.” “I find that even if a play/performance/production isn’t my favorite, there are always elements that I honestly respond to positively. I try to focus on communicating those aspects so that I am speaking from the heart.”
And there’s really no need, particularly at the stage door, to dive into specifics. “I always say, ‘I’m proud of you,’ whether I thought the work was groundbreaking or not,” said the actor Jelani Alladin, who starred in “Frozen” on Broadway and “Fellow Travelers” on Showtime. “I think it takes incredible amounts of bravery to be vulnerable enough to offer yourself to an audience, whether screen or stage. I’m proud of anyone who dares.”
The bottom line: Prioritize friendship.
So what to do? The consensus among those I spoke with is that the best way to be a friend is to be supportive. Leave the critical feedback to other people and other settings.
“I think the move is always to lie,” said the musical theater composer Joe Iconis (“Be More Chill” and the forthcoming “The Untitled Unauthorized Hunter S. Thompson Musical”). “Whether you enjoyed the show or not, if you’re actually a friend to the person who is part of the production, your job is to say ‘great job, fantastic show.’ I have never once appreciated a friend who came to a show of mine and offered unsolicited negative comments.”