Nine years ago, I moved in with my partner and her son. My two children, now 19 and 23, stayed with their mother, who lives two hours away. They visited us four days a month. My partner now objects to these visits: She says the kids are too old, too difficult — true, but not so much as to be relevant — and infringe on her privacy. I don’t think this is fair. We share all the costs of the house equally (mortgage, maintenance, utilities), and there’s plenty of space. I think my financial contributions entitle me to these visits. She hasn’t limited visits by her own college-age son — and neither would I. She suggests that I stay in an Airbnb with my children. But that’s expensive, and she isn’t willing to split the cost. We’ve had several heated arguments about this. Advice?
DAD
Something seems out of whack here. Yes, I understand your economic argument, that sharing household costs entitles you to guests. But that is not persuasive to your partner. (No sense in dwelling on a losing argument.) I’m more concerned about why your partner, herself the parent of a young adult, doesn’t seem to support your relationships with your own young adult children, who have been visiting for nine years now.
You mention, then dismiss, the idea that the children are difficult. But if their difficulty is aimed at your partner — if they are disrespectful or unkind to her — that may affect her openness to monthly visits. Then there’s the question of labor: If your partner is primarily responsible for cooking and cleaning, a burden that women often shoulder disproportionately and unfairly, that could play a role, too.
Now, these may not be the reasons for your partner’s objection. But keep asking calmly — and listening — until you hear something that makes sense. “Too old” to visit does not: Your children don’t stop being your children when they turn 18. And asking you to rent an Airbnb in the same town where you live in a spacious home seems like a sharp rejection of your kids. (Does she get that?) So, keep talking — perhaps with a couples therapist — until you find a compromise that works for your blended family.
A Host Who Knows Just What You Want
I am planning to celebrate my 70th birthday by inviting friends to dinner at our home. I know that, historically, it is considered bad manners to give parties for yourself, but that idea seems outdated to me. May my husband, who is sending the invitations, request that in lieu of gifts, I would be delighted to hear about my guests’ favorite places to travel? My husband and I will be traveling more once I retire in May. I also know that requesting “no gifts” commits the sin of presuming that guests were going to bring one. What do you think?
J.
I think it is long past time to set aside rigid ideas about hosting and gift-giving — holdovers from the days of old-fashioned party etiquette. What possible difference does it make whether you host your birthday dinner yourself or ask a friend to do so?
The best birthday party I ever had was the 40th birthday party I gave for myself. And I asked for “no gifts, please” because I didn’t want any — though I sent thank-you notes to people who brought them anyway. Still, I think your concept of travel ideas as gifts is splendid. Have the party you want! (And happy birthday in advance.)
No Call to Abet a Pet Fraud
My girlfriend had her dog certified as an emotional-support animal, even though she freely admits he is just a pet. Yesterday, when we were denied entrance to a restaurant because we had the dog with us, she got into an argument with the manager. I hung back. She says that I should have stood up for her, but I’m not comfortable with her lie. Should I have put aside my scruples and taken her part?
BOYFRIEND
No! It takes more than a fake service vest from Amazon and an emotional-support card from an online therapist to make a service dog — principally, it requires a person with a disability whom the dog is trained to assist. Service animals perform vital jobs, but humoring selfish pet owners is not one of them. The only criticism I have of you is that you didn’t object to your girlfriend’s scam sooner.
Opening Up in Your Own Time
Several years ago, shortly after my divorce, I was diagnosed with cancer. That put any thoughts of dating on hold. I am now cancer-free and would like to begin dating. It will be years, though, until the risk of recurrence has passed. When am I obliged to tell people I am dating about my medical history?
DATER
I do not mean to minimize the statistical risks (or your anxiety) about recurrence, but statistics are not destiny. From the moment we are born, we are dying — though none of us know precisely when. I think the time for disclosing your medical history is when you and your dates begin sharing more intimate details — about your previous relationships and families, for instance, along with the other highs and lows of your personal lives. Good luck out there!
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