Seven years ago, I met a woman on a dating app. (We are now in our mid-50s.) We had an on-again, off-again romance that resolved into a good friendship. Recently, we went to a concert together. My oldest friend from college was there, so they met. Later, my friend called and told me that she and my college friend had gone on a date. She asked if I would mind if they went out together. I mind! I was devastated! She said she didn’t want to wreck our friendship. I texted my college friend and asked him to respect my feelings. He responded angrily. I know they’ve done things together, but I don’t know the status of their relationship. I got sick of thinking about this, so I blocked them from contacting me. Now I’ve lost two of my closest friends and feel terrible. Help!
FRIEND
I respect your strong feelings, but I think you should reconsider them in the spirit of repairing valuable relationships. It sounds as if your romance with your friend was sporadic and didn’t end in heartbreak on either side. (You became good friends, after all.) In my view, you are not entitled to control the people she dates after your relationship is over.
It also seems strange to me that a man in middle age — who has himself experienced the challenges of midlife dating — would not be more generous with two of his “closest friends.” I understand your mixed emotions, watching friends pair off while you remain alone: That’s only human. But to prioritize your feelings over everything else — including their happiness and even their ability to contact you — seems selfish to me.
I urge you to re-establish communication with your friends. Friendship requires a willingness to keep talking through difficult issues. Apologize that your strong feelings prompted you to block them. You should also explore with another friend or a therapist why their relationship is so upsetting to you. (Do you have unresolved feelings for your ex?) But I would not engage your friends on that issue until you understand it better yourself.
You’re Making a List. They’re Checking It Once (if That).
My husband and I have a challenging relationship with my in-laws. We spend Christmas with them every year, and they ask us for a list of holiday gifts we would like. They provide a list, too. But without fail, we get very few items from our list. And their seeming failure to look at it has become a running joke with my husband. I’m tired of putting effort into making a list that’s ignored. And I end up feeling disappointed and hurt that instead of the $20 leggings I requested (with a hyperlink), I get towels with menorahs on them. May I finally say we are done with these lists?
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
I am going to assume that your ignored wish list is a symptom of your “challenging” relationship with your in-laws — and not its cause. All of you can probably afford your own leggings and towels. And lists like these, other than for children, just seem like to-do lists to me. (But who am I to judge?)
So, if your in-laws’ deviations are making you feel bad — as if they aren’t listening to you — I see two choices: Talk to them directly with your husband about the way this dynamic makes you feel. Or sidestep the issue: Tell them you would like to skip the lists going forward and instead pool the money you would have spent on a wonderful restaurant meal for the four of you or a night at the theater. How does that sound?
What Gives You the Right? Besides the Deed, That Is.
Without warning, new homeowners on our street cut down all the trees on their property. It looks terrible and has changed the character of the neighborhood. They can do what they like on their land, of course, but we feel blindsided that they didn’t talk to us first about their plans. Is there a way to help them understand how hurt we feel?
NEIGHBOR
Change is hard for many of us — especially when it comes to the beauty of the natural world. Still, I would not lead with your hurt. You are not the main character in this story: You do not pay your neighbors’ property taxes or the bill from their tree surgeon. And for all we know, they are about to start work on a wonderful new landscape plan. So, why not head next door — in a friendly way, not a mournful one — and express your natural curiosity?
With a Slight Twitch, Crisis Averted
I have an issue with my wife’s friend: When we meet, she greets me with a kiss on the lips. I am sure she is just being friendly, but I would prefer a kiss on the cheek. I don’t want to make things awkward; she is a close friend of my wife. But I would like to set a boundary. Thoughts?
HUSBAND
I agree that this friend’s behavior is more likely a product of her upbringing or culture than a romantic overture. So, I wouldn’t say a word about it. At the last moment, just before contact, shift your head 30 degrees to the right or the left and transform the intended kiss on the lips to one on your cheek. Mission accomplished!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to SocialQ@nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
