A frightening number of extra-marital affairs begin in the workplace – some surveys suggest as many as 85 per cent – and it’s hardly surprising when many of us spend more time at work than we do at home.
One reason is close proximity. Men can be startlingly unimaginative and quite lazy when it comes to who they set their sights on, and can be swayed by someone they see every day at the office.
You are more likely to connect with someone you spend a lot of time with, especially if there’s conflict (or even boredom) at home. Besides, flirtation can be one way to make your job seem more entertaining and amusing, but our natural human tendency to eroticise situations that are stressful means innocent crushes can quickly get out of hand.
One reason workplace affairs can be so insidious is that the office is a relatively easy place to hide an affair – any sexual interaction can easily be hidden behind the seemingly virtuous cloak of ‘staying late’.
Relationship expert Charlotte Fox Weber says you are more likely to connect with someone you spend a lot of time with, especially if there’s conflict (or even boredom) at home
Worse still, it can allow you to convince yourself you’re being good by continuing to work hard – and provide for your family – while having a bit of fun on the side.
So, if your partner is glued to his phone by the pool this summer, or taking ‘work calls’ even on holiday, here are the signs he might be hiding something…
HE’S STAYING LATE AT THE OFFICE
The concept of ‘working late’ is a grey area which gives a man plenty of freedom to indulge his dalliances.
Meetings are one thing and working overtime to meet a pressing deadline is similarly acceptable, but if he mutters something vague about staying late for a bit of ‘networking’ he could be taking advantage of an ambiguous space that could cover anything from a fun night out without you, to hours of schmoozing.
It’s perfectly reasonable to ask for details of what working late actually involves, but don’t accept a fishy-sounding answer and be alert to him being nervous or defensive.
HIS ‘TIME ACCOUNTING’IS BAD
You could have grounds for suspicion if quick meetings seem to always run over, he repeatedly misses the train, has to unexpectedly extend a work trip away, or is perpetually held up in traffic. He could be blurring the boundaries to stretch his time with a special someone else. The only way to know for sure is to ask him outright.
He may have legitimate explanations, he may even be a very poor time-keeper, but he should always be reachable by phone – preferably FaceTime (so you can see exactly where he is). Working late and being unreachable is a big red flag.
REPEATEDLY REFERS TO A WORK COLLEAGUE
It’s perfectly okay to chat about people at work – even if you haven’t met them yourself – but if one name starts to crop up again and again, you may have cause for concern.
Men can be startlingly unimaginative and quite lazy when it comes to who they set their sights on, and can be swayed by someone they see every day at the office
Whatever the work-related story – challenges, tasks, deadlines, japes – if all roads lead to this particular person you could be in trouble.
Be super-alert for a lot of really boring detail (perhaps her dog has been unwell or she’s in dispute with a plumber) cropping up as a conversational highlight or point of discussion.
If he’s telling a lot of stories that have no interest for you at all, but which always centre around one particular woman, it means he is looking for any excuse to discuss her and could be a sign that he has become obsessed.
HE’S SUDDENLY SMARTENED UP
Keep an eye on his working wardrobe and be curious if your one-suit husband suddenly starts taking more care over his appearance, upgrading shirts and shoes, checking himself in the mirror before leaving home. Yes, he might be gunning for a promotion, but equally, he could be dressing to impress another woman.
HE’S SUDDENLY VERY EXCITED ABOUT WORK
If his previously mundane and stressful job now seems fun and rewarding and he trots out of the door with a spring in his step, this newfound enthusiasm could stem from a growing connection with a co-worker.
High-stress work environments can force colleagues to bond in ways they might not have normally, and if he’s putting in a lot of extra effort at work it’s worth asking what’s caused his sudden change of heart.
HE’S UNEXPECTEDLY STRANGELY PROTECTIVE
Watch out for signs that he’s become uncharacteristically protective of a co-worker and expressing concern for them when he seems disassociated from family at home.
If this is bothering you, flag it up with a well-meaning question such as: ‘I’ve noticed your increasing concern about XXX, she’s obviously having a tough time, can you tell me why you are so concerned? Is there anything I can do to help?’
AN OVERFRIENDLY WORK COLLEAGUE
He may enjoy a warm and friendly work environment that encourages regular family interaction, but it might be worth being a little suspicious if a colleague becomes super-friendly with you and your children.
It could be a subtle sign that the object of his work affections harbours fantasies about a home life with your husband. Showering affection on your children could be a sign that she is ‘auditioning’ for a potential role as future stepmum.
- As told to LOUISE ATKINSON
