A diagnosed narcissistic has shared the signs you grew up with a narcissistic parent.
HG Tudor, who talks about their narcissm diagnosis on their YouTube page noted that narcissists ‘pop up in lots of different places’, like social situations, or at work.
‘There are two arenas whereby the presence of a narcissist causes most damage – that’s in a romantic entanglement and a familial one’.
‘Those who have a parent or parents that are narcissists had no choice in the matter.
]They were brought into a home where a narcissist existed, and they’ve been subjected to that throughout their childhood and into adulthood.’
According to HG Tudor, it’s not until people are adults that they realise – or suspect – that their parent may be a narcissist. He pointed out it’s ‘uncommon’ for a child to come to that conclusion’.
He noted that having a romantic relationship with a narcissist can make people realise their parent was also one.
Another way people come to this conclusion is by analysing their own behaviours, which, he noted ‘have arisen from the abuse that you’ve endured, that you see the way that you react in certain circumstances’, and in perhaps seeking therapy you discover you’ve been exposed to a parental narcissist.
According to the American Psychological Association: ‘Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is the group of cluster B disorders that also includes antisocial, histrionic, and borderline. NPD involves three elements: an inflated view of the self, a lack of warmth or empathy in relationships, and the use of a variety of strategies for maintaining the inflated self-views.’
While NPD is a disorder, people can also have narcissistic traits without having the disorder.
1. You are expected to be the caregiver
According to HG Tudor, the role of parents is to ‘shield the child from the vagaries of life, to guide them, to provide them with emotional support, not just, of course, to provide shelter and warmth and food and drink, but to guide them through life’.
Most parents, when facing difficulties, he added, will ‘suck up the problem themselves and deal with it’, as children are not equipped to deal with adult problems.
However, he said, when it comes to a narcissistic parent, ‘you as the child may well become the emotional rock for the narcissist that they complain about the behaviours of the others’ – notably the spouse or other family members.
In addition, children of narcissistic parents may be expected to perform other tasks including domestic duties, and looking after their parent – physically or financially. In other words, ‘you end up having to parent the parent’.
2. Boundaries are repeatedly breached
Narcissistic parents breach their children’s boundaries, according to HG Tudor, choosing their friends, banning them from spending time with some people, and generally interfering in other aspects of their lives.
In addition, he said: ‘If you try and fight back against this interference, you may well be met with the ignition of fury.’
HG Tudor is a content creator, who says he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and shares information about the condition
3. You are used to validate them
The third point raised by HG Tudor was that narcissistic parents use their children to validate them.
Speaking in the video, he said: ‘They seek your agreement, even when you don’t actually agree with their behaviours. They must have your approval to it. They may gossip about other people, criticising them, expecting you to agree with their position.’
He added that they ‘repeatedly seeking validation for their behaviours by receiving approval from you – a parent ought to just get on with it’.
A narcissistic parent may also seek validation through ‘flaunting the achievements of a child by bragging about them […] the responses they receive by way of fuel provide them with that validation that they are a good and brilliant and talented parent’.
He added that healthy parents do not seek this validation from external sources.
4. The use of favourites
Narcissistic parents use favourites, according to HG Tudor, who said it could be one of their children, or one of their cousins, or even their intimate partner – and everyone else is ‘triangulated’ with the favourite.
He added: ‘You’ll note this as a consequence of there being different expectations between you and your peers concerning school achievements, sporting achievements, where you get to in terms of career, what you earn, positions that you hold. Favoritism may be demonstrated by way of punishment. For instance, you’re punished, but your sibling never was, or there’s leniency shown with regards to the type of punishment that is meted out.’
You may also be repeatedly triangulated via comparison, for example, being asked why you can’t be more like the favourite.
5. Their needs come before you
Sharing his fifth point, HG Tudor said that the narcissistic parent’s leisure time is more important than being a parent, which can result in neglect, as they are ‘too engrossed’ in what they are doing to take interest in what their offspring has to say.
He suggested that it may go further, saying: ‘It might be that they create a fake crisis […] in order to cause you to attend to what they require, disrupting your day to day life. They may find that they repeatedly request help from you when they could manage perfectly well themselves, or that they demand that help with certain problems, which results in you having your life interrupted.’
6. Blame shifting
The narcissist parent is never able to take accountability, according to the content creator, who added that placing blame on others is ‘part of the defence mechanism of narcissism’.
Giving examples of some of the things the parent may say, HG Tudor said: ‘ If I hadn’t have had you, I would have been a multi millionaire by now. Look what you made me do you make me this way? You make me hit you. You’ve ruined my life. Everything was wonderful until you came along.’
7. Your independence is a threat to the narcissist
According to HG Tudor, while a healthy parent will naturally be ‘when their child eventually flies the nest’, they are aware that it’s ‘all part of the healthy evolution of the relationship’, and know that it’s healthy for the child to make their own way in the world.
This is not the case when it comes to the narcissist parent however, he said in the video.
‘As the child of a parental narcissist […] you must be controlled,’ he said
He added: ‘Anything whereby, as you become more independent, throwing off the shackles of control of that narcissist will threaten that narcissist’s need for control, resulting in the necessity of trying to nullify that threat to control in some way.’
8. The narcissist lives through you
Moving onto his eighth point, HG Tudor said: ‘You are simply an extension of the narcissist parent, a little mirror that is there to do the narcissist’s bidding, to always be under control.’
The result of this, he said, is that ‘your character traits [are] taken by the narcissist, your individuality is diminished’.
In addition, the narcissistic parent may dictate important life choices, like what you do for a career, and steal credit for your achievements.
He added: ‘The commandeering of your achievements also is a means of asserting control over you, to let you remember that you’re only there but for the grace of the narcissist.’
Having a narcissistic parent can cause huge amounts of trauma for children, and this can result in lifelong issues
9. You will be marginalised in order for the narcissist to remain superior
According to the content creator, ‘the narcissist can either bolster themselves or cut down other people’.
He added: ‘And therefore, as a child of a narcissist, you will repeatedly find that you’re cut down. This was seen through nit picking criticism, the rejection of your own successes, the diminution of your accomplishments […] No matter how hard you strive, no matter what you achieve, you end up being marginalised.’
10. You are often shamed
The narcissist has no emotional empathy for you, HG Tudor said in the video, noting that ‘your reactions, your emotional responses to circumstances are just dismissed’.
He added that when their child cries, they may tell them to stop, and accuse them of overreacting.
‘Their absence of emotional empathy is clear and apparent, he said. ‘They’re not interested in helping you. They’re not interested in supporting you. Your reaction is a nuisance because you’re making a demand upon the narcissist, and you’re not there to do that. They are there to make demands upon you.’
