We’re all quick to cancel someone who’s cheated on their partner but the truth about affairs is far more nuanced than the simplistic moral judgements we make.
Affairs are rarely simple or one-dimensional.
They’re messy, emotional, and deeply human experiences that challenge our understanding of love, commitment, and forgiveness.
We all know about the hot sex and hotels. Here’s the things we don’t talk about.
They’re exhausting
‘You can’t ever relax because you’re constantly lying. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to keep your stories straight.
‘You’re being pulled in different directions: constantly comparing and weighing up what to do’.
One man I spoke to said he eventually blurted to his wife that he’d been having an affair, simply because he was so exhausted by it all, he just wanted it all to end.
Feeling like you can’t ever relax your guard, always having to be on your toes.
Looking into the faces of your spouse and kids who love you and knowing you are about to betray them.
It’s not all fun and games and sneaking out to get your leg over: the emotional toll of an affair is enormous.
They’re as much about loneliness as lust
This week, British sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox, unveils eight hidden truths about affairs (Stock image)
‘My husband wouldn’t notice if I walked into the room naked and painted blue. I felt invisible and like a member of staff, not a wife’.
It’s a common misconception that people cheat solely for physical gratification. Many affairs begin because of emotional disconnection within the primary relationship.
If you feel unseen, unappreciated, or emotionally neglected, you’re ripe for an affair. Primed to seek solace in someone who offers the validation you crave.
This doesn’t excuse infidelity, but it should be a stark wake-up call for anyone in a relationship. Emotional intimacy is extremely important and if your partner is lonely, an affair could be looming.
They rarely have a clear villain
Tracey (pictured) discusses what could happen in the aftermath of an affair, as well as the possible emotional fallout that is rarely talked about
‘My best friend is having an affair and some of his friends cut him dead the minute it came out. I knew the real story: he hadn’t had sex with his wife for four years (her choice) and put up with blistering, withering put-downs daily. Who could blame him for seeking kindness, sex and love elsewhere?’
Affairs are often painted in black-and-white terms: the cheater is the villain, and the betrayed partner is the victim. But relationships are complex, and infidelity is rarely so straightforward.
Both partners usually contribute to the dynamics that led to the affair, even if one acted on those dynamics inappropriately.
Understanding this doesn’t absolve blame but it does help paint a fuller, more realistic picture of where it all went wrong.
It’s not just your partner who likes you less after an affair
‘If I could have fast-forwarded to see the faces of my family when they found out I’d been seeing another man for the last year, I would never, ever have done it. It’s brutal. I won’t ever forgive myself and damn sure they won’t either’.
Family members on both sides are sometimes just as devastated by affairs as the person’s spouse. If it leads to divorce, will they be forced to take sides and never see their much-loved in-laws or grandchildren again?
Losing the trust of your children, when you’re meant to be their ‘rock’, is gutting; friends will also judge you, along with anyone who happens to find out. Cheating is polarising but sympathy mainly comes down on the side of the betrayed.
You will like yourself less as well – and that’s putting it mildly…
The guilt can be overwhelming
‘We really were the quintessential happy family, and I brought the house down. For what? A bit of sex that faded after a month. How could I do that to everyone?’
For the person who strays, the weight of guilt can be crippling. Contrary to popular belief, many people who cheat love their partner deeply and never intended to hurt them.
The cognitive dissonance – knowing what you’re doing is wrong but doing it anyway – can lead to intense emotional distress, even before the affair is discovered. This guilt often persists long after the affair ends, leading to mental health issues and problems with future relationships.
They’re hard to stop – and not for the reason you think
‘It was only ever about sex for me. My wife hasn’t been interested since we had the kids and as much as I love her, I do have needs. I had no idea the person I had the affair with saw it as something serious. When I tried to end it, she threatened to tell my wife. I have no idea how to get out of it without her blowing up my family’.
People often play it cool in affairs, going along with the ‘this is just a bit of fun’ chat, even when they’ve fallen deeply in love and would leave their own partner in a heartbeat to be the person. It’s only when they threaten to stop when their real feelings come to light.
Fact is, you can’t control another human being or stop them going ‘rogue’ at the end.
They change everyone involved – discovered or not
Whether it’s the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner, or the person they cheated with, affairs have a profound and lasting impact on everyone involved.
If discovered or confessed, the betrayed partner is often left with feelings of inadequacy, anger, and distrust that take years to heal.
For the unfaithful partner, it often triggers deep shame and regret. Even the third party may grapple with guilt, loss, or social judgement.
Even if you got away with it, the ‘you and me against the world’ pact is broken. It’s hard to look your partner straight in the eyes and declare undying love, knowing you’ve deceived them. Some people say they lose respect for their spouse because they didn’t notice what they were up to.
Not something you think about when you’re first in the hotel room, legs in the air, but that one lapse of judgement shapes lives profoundly.
Visit traceycox.com for details of Tracey’s blog, podcast and books. Visit lovehoney.co.uk for her two Tracey Cox product ranges
