Most of us assume that because we were attracted to our partner once, the same attraction will stay forever…without us making any effort at all.
The reality is it’s not only normal but common for attraction to fade over time – and it’s not just physical attractiveness that diminishes, our personalities sparkle less as well.
Biology is behind a lot of it. Namely, habituation: the more we see something or someone, the less intensely we respond to it.
No matter how good looking, intelligent or witty our partners are, the effect wears off the more often we are exposed to it.
Familiarity fades attraction
In the heady beginning, everything our partner does and says is exciting and new. Over time, you’ve heard all the funny stories and childhood escapades, know how they feel about almost every topic and how they’re likely to act in every situation.
Predictability doesn’t just dampen the initial spark; it snuffs it out in many cases.
The pressures of life then step in to tread on what’s left.
Most of us assume that because we were attracted to our partner once, the same attraction will stay forever…without us making any effort at all – but it’s not that simple (stock image)
Stress stops you seeing the good things
Imagine you’re on holiday in the sun, relaxing by a pool with your partner, cocktail-with-umbrella in hand.
‘This is nice’, you think, ‘I’d forgotten how funny John is’.
It’s not difficult to remind yourself of your partner’s best attributes when you’re relaxed and happy. Not so easy when you’ve missed a mortgage payment, have two kids under five and a sick mother who needs your help.
Financial pressure, work stress, parenting and other responsibilities can feel overwhelming.
Relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) gives her advice to spice things up including taking time to look your best and going on date nights
If you’re stretched and irritated, you’re primed to look for faults not pluses.
Relationship issues compound everything
If you feel distant and angry with your partner, you’ll also look for the bad, not the good.
Unresolved fights over housework, sex, money, infidelity, family dramas all make for a toxic relationship that’s quivering with resentment.
Scary stuff, right?
The good news is attraction doesn’t fade in all relationships. Lots of couples not only maintain their attraction to each other, they build on it.
Here’s how.
HOW TO STAY ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER LONG-TERM
Being bitter, negative and overly critical are three top turn-offs so being happy will keep things exciting in the bedroom (stock image)
The first thing to recognise is that keeping your partner attracted to you is a two-fold process.
US relationship guru, Jack Morin says first you need to maintain what attracted them to you initially – a great body, quirky personality, an infectious laugh. Second, they need to recognise new attractions: how supportive and nurturing you are, that you’re a whiz at balancing the household budget, a great parent.
Ideally, you’d both cultivate new attractions as well as nurture the old. It’s not always possible to maintain all the initial attractions – rocking a short skirt in your 20s is a lot easier than in your 50s. But you can show a flair in something new that you haven’t tried before at any age and stage.
1. Get out of friend mode
It’s great to act as a team when you’re dealing with the mundane rituals necessary to keep a household running. Just don’t forget to connect as romantic partners as well.
The Gottman’s (US relationship gurus) are big fans of the 30 second daily kiss. All too often, couples resort to an air kiss or the same dry kiss on the cheek we’d give an aunt. Instead, kiss on the lips and kiss for at least 30 seconds at least a couple of times a day.
2. Don’t always meet at home
Meet somewhere else and arrive separately and you get to see your partner through other people’s eyes.
I remember meeting my husband at a crowded London bar one night, a few years in, and feeling quite alarmed at how many women turned to watch him walk to meet me. Another friend says his partner is never more attractive to him than when she’s chatting to an attractive man at a party.
3. Look your best
Love is kind but it’s not blind and physical attraction is a huge factor in long-term desire. We tend to forgive things in our partner if it also affects us or is out of our control – like ageing. But are far less forgiving of things we can, like weight gain.
Weight gain is cited as the biggest turn-off of all, in surveys worldwide and cross-gender. They may still love you if you pack on four stone but it’s unlikely to make their groins stir with pent-up passion. Love responds to intelligence and emotional intelligence, sex is physical. Lust is strongly influenced by what we see. It feels insulting when your partner really lets themselves go – it means they’re taking you for granted. Especially if you look after yourself and try hard to look your best.
4. Watch your habits
There are plenty of ways to make yourself unattractive: smoking, excessive drinking, bad hygiene, slobbing around in hideous clothes that would be better used as dusters. Look from the outside at yourself and the lifestyle you lead: would you fancy you? A healthy lifestyle makes for a happy, energetic person who feels confident. Exercise, rest, keep up with friends who make you feel good about yourself, do interesting things to keep your brain stimulated and conversation interesting.
5. Do new things
The quickest way to get a couple to like each other again is to break them out of their rut and get them excited in something. Try a new restaurant, see friends you haven’t seen in ages. Create new goals: plan a holiday, decorate your house, take a course.
6. Be happy
The inner you is just as important as the outside you. Plenty of marriages have turned sour because one person in it has. Being bitter, negative and overly critical are three top turn-offs. Being argumentative comes in at a close fourth.
If life hasn’t gone the way you wanted it to, consider seeing a therapist to talk through how to get it back on course.
Seething not-so-silently will pretty much guarantee your relationship will follow the same path.
You’ll find Tracey’s products ranges, Supersex and Edge, at lovehoney.co.uk. Traceycox.com has details of her podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, books and more practical information about sex.
