In case you hadn’t noticed, we’re in a love crisis.
The explosion of dating apps that should have made it easier to have sex and find a partner has achieved the exact opposite.
So while, yes, technology has opened up new ways to connect, it’s also magnified the ugly side of dating, where people love bomb, ghost, and treat each other as disposable.
From navigating text convos that go precisely nowhere to unsolicited d*ck pics, cringeworthy first dates and never-quite-official ‘situationships’, it’s hard to stay hopeful that your person is out there.
Nearly half of US adults agree that dating has gotten harder over the last ten years. Roughly four in ten of us are ‘uncoupled’ (either single or not in a serious relationship), and we’re all having less sex than ever before.
But, imagine a different dating universe – one that doesn’t force you to adapt to dating culture, but one where you rise above it instead, getting the relationship you actually want, not the one the world tells you to settle for.
After ten years interviewing thousands of singletons for our podcast Dateable, we’ve identified five ‘archetypes’ – or broad styles of dating behavior.
Once you understand your archetype, you can pinpoint what’s been holding you back, know when it’s time to call the whole thing off and, crucially, what steps you must take to finally get the love life you deserve – on your own terms.
From navigating text convos that go precisely nowhere to unsolicited d*ck pics, it’s hard to stay hopeful that your person is out there
Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick are the presenters of the podcast Dateable and have identified five ‘archetypes’ – or broad styles of dating behavior
Which group of following statements sounds most like you?
Group A:
- I often think about the future and what’s next when dating someone.
- I tend to focus on meeting certain milestones within certain timeframes.
- I believe it’s important to keep progressing, whether it’s planning the next date or considering a bigger commitment.
- I often find myself comparing where I’m at in life to others.
Group B:
- I believe love conquers all and has the power to overcome challenges.
- I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and lead with my emotions.
- I am a deeply committed and loyal person, sometimes to my detriment.
- I often find myself in undefined romantic situations; unsure of the level of commitment from the other person.
Group C:
- I thrive on the energy from meeting new people and having new experiences.
- Dating is a numbers game: I like to line up as many dates as possible.
- I value the spark and instant chemistry and am hesitant to go on a second date with someone I didn’t feel that with.
- I am the type to be meeting new people every chance I get.
Group D:
- I pride myself on being independent and self-sufficient.
- I have a hard time letting people in.
- I hold both myself and my potential partners to high standards.
- I try hard to avoid conflict or disagreements as much as possible.
Group E:
- I tend to examine every possible scenario or outcome in detail.
- I find myself spending extended periods analyzing interactions or texts.
- I am thoughtful about my actions; very rarely am I impulsive or spontaneous.
- Taking a leap of faith is a challenge for me as I need to gather all available information when making decisions.
If you resonated mainly with Group A, you may be an Achiever.
Your bold nature allows you to date with purpose and conviction, but when you get so caught up in future milestones it makes it hard for connections to naturally unfold.
Your superpower: You make your intentions clear.
What’s keeping you stuck: The expectation of love on demand. When you expect everything to progress linearly and quickly, you lose track of the most important thing of all: finding the right person for you.
Get unstuck: Don’t let your impatience and need to beeline to the finish line get in the way of letting a real connection truly blossom. Dating is not a predetermined formula where X plus Y inevitably leads to Z.
By releasing your attachment to specific outcomes, you open yourself up to greater joy and fulfillment in the process itself.
Let go of the incessant need to plan every future milestone. Instead, immerse yourself fully in the experience, connect with your date on a deeper level, appreciate their presence, and savor the moment for what it is.
Treat each first date as a meet and greet. This reduces the pressure. When you look a date as a way to simply meet someone new, you can stay more present and connect with the person across the table.
When to end it: When plans aren’t happening and the relationship isn’t progressing forward – you may then end things if you’re not moving at the speed you want.
Who’s a keeper: Someone who also has concrete life goals and wants to build together.
If you gravitated to group B, you may be a Dreamer.
Your big heart and caring nature are huge assets to a relationship, but you may be prone to getting ahead of yourself if you’re too idealistic (and not realistic) about love.
Your superpower: People feel connected to you.
What’s keeping you stuck: The settling paradox: when you focus so much on the chemistry or the on-paper list of traits, you may overlook the qualities necessary for a healthy, long-lasting partnership and settle for less than you deserve.
Get unstuck: Don’t let that love bomber or situationship hold you back from having the actual relationship you want.
Spoiler alert: Love is not a rom-com and it doesn’t conquer all. So get clear on what you want rather than fitting into the mold of someone else’s relationship, then start prioritizing those needs instead of accepting crumbs.
Make sure to fact check yourself. Instead of falling into an imaginationship where you envision a future with a person before you even know them, remind yourself that you’ve only been on one date or known each other for 1 hour. This will help keep you grounded while you wait to see if the person is worth your time.
When to end it: The second it’s clear your fantasy bubble has popped – when the people you date are cold and robotic with their feelings – it may be time to move on.
Who’s a keeper: Someone who shows up consistently, and will treat you like a priority, not an option.
From cringeworthy first dates to never-quite-official situationships, it’s hard to stay hopeful that your person is out there
If the statements in group C spoke to you, you may be an Energizer.
Your charisma and adventurous spirit make you an exciting person to date, but it may be a struggle to get to know someone on a deeper, more emotional level if you’re viewing dating like a numbers game.
Your superpower: You have a contagious energy.
What’s keeping you stuck: The validation trap. Dating is not a pageant: there’s no winner for the person who has the most matches or dates.
Get unstuck: Instead of focusing on vanity metrics, shift to the only one that matters: connecting with the right person.
You may benefit from taking a step back, going on fewer dates so you can get more clear about what you want.
While dating can still be a priority, it doesn’t need to be all-consuming. You don’t need to sacrifice yourself and the other areas of your life.
Make a list of all the amazing things you get to do because you are single. These are the things that will ultimately attract the right person anyway.
And remember, you can’t find the right person if you’re with the wrong one!
When to end it: When your emotional depth is neglected and you’re just seen as a good time, you’ll be left feeling isolated.
Who’s a keeper: Someone who passes the Sunday test, where you can do absolutely nothing together yet still have a ball.
If you felt seen by group D, you may be a Maverick:
Your confidence and independence make you a strong partner, but you may struggle with being vulnerable and fully letting someone into your life – and your heart.
Your superpower: You don’t ever lose your sense of self.
What’s keeping you stuck: Playing relationship chicken. Your sense of ‘cool’ is preventing the person you’re dating from truly seeing the real you.
Get unstuck: In order to build deeper connections, reveal more about yourself –including your flaws and insecurities – and embrace difficult conversations.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable and take risks even if it means opening yourself up to disappointment or heartbreak.
When you feel the urge to run away and protect your ego, see if you can run towards the person you’re dating instead.
Show your ‘v-card’ on dates by getting vulnerable, asking for advice or telling someone how you feel about them.
When to end it: If you’re not given enough space or freedom. Breakups can happen when your boundaries aren’t respected.
Who’s a keeper: Someone who makes it safe to navigate conflict so you end up feeling closer in the end.
From ten years of interviewing thousands of daters, Julie and Yue identified five archetypes that impact your patterns of behavior and attitudes
If you were saying yes to the statements in group E, you may be a Thinker.
Your vigilance and problem-solving skills make you a team player, but your tendency to overthink can keep you in a state of analysis-paralysis.
Your superpower: You’re able to see situations from different perspectives.
What’s keeping you trapped: Hello again, relationship chicken – but for different reasons than our friend the Maverick.
Get unstuck: Dating isn’t always logical, and love involves taking risks. So instead of trying to gather every piece of information to make the most informed decision possible, think about dating milestones in smaller time boxes.
For instance, you don’t need to decide today if this person is your forever-person – you can take a more incremental approach starting with exclusivity and then moving into a more committed relationship.
Stop constantly worrying about making the wrong decision or getting hurt, because all that does is lead you to overanalyze every move and avoid taking risks.
Challenge the worst-case scenario, consider alternative perspectives, and give yourself permission to lead with your heart, not your head.
You can try the ‘renewal period’ technique where you dive in head first for a set period of time and then decide with your partner on each next phase.
When to end it: The person you’re seeing is unreliable and inconsistent, indicating they’re not willing to work through challenges with you.
Who’s a keeper: Someone who brings out the best side of you. Instead of focusing on the checklist of who you think you should date, tap into how you feel around the people you’re dating instead.
Remember, these dating archetypes don’t define you, but they can give you insight into why you date the way you do and what you may need in a partner.
By knowing this information, you can date your way to finding the right relationship for you. Plus it’ll give you more insight into the people you date, too.
A comprehensive version of this quiz is available at howtobedateble.com.
Exclusive extract from ‘How to Be Dateable: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Person and Falling in Love’ by Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu is published by Simon Element
